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This post first appeared in Got Talmud and is cross-posted with permission.

Today, I gave a student of mine a little pamphlet I received a number of years ago called “Megillat HaShoah” The Holocaust Megillah. I explained to her how uncomfortable I am about the ritualization of something that is so personal — almost all my uncles, aunts, cousins and two grandparents from Trochenbrod/Lozhist and Luck (Lutzk) were killed in the Shoah (Holocaust). My parents barely made it out alive, staying one step ahead of the Nazis for the better part of the war.

Yet, as I read the posts today from othe people, and as I was confronted by my own 2 small children with questions about the Shoah, I realized that maybe there is something to ritualizing the memory of the Shoah.

But I would suggest another route.

I think we should take our ritual cues from the Passover seder. The entire seder is built around explaining to kids the history and the significance of slavery and the freedom that came after so many years of suffering. We ritually re-enact our slavery and we celebrate our liberation (We even spill a little wine in respect for the suffering of the Egyptians, though I don’t think I can do this just yet.)

Perhaps we need a Holocaust “seder” — a formal setting where we allow the children to ask the questions, and provide them with the answers — there are plenty of answers for every type of question from every type of child, including the one who doesn’t know how to ask.

Lest you think I am being cavalier about all this, remember that there is a Midrash that recounts how 80% of the Hebrew population died in Egypt before the Exodus — that’s four out of five! Yet we celebrate Passover as a national holiday. By the same token, we shouldn’t forget that in Israel the commemoration of the Shoah is called Yom Hashoah veHagevurah — Holocaust and Empowerment day. Every time I put on Tefillin, turn on the radio, learn with my kids or just walk the streets of Jerusalem I see the Jewish people overcoming the Nazi terror, going through the crucible and emerging, refined.

How do I explain the Holocaust to my kids? The same way as I do the Passover exodus. We were slaves. Now we are free. Do we become like our oppressors or do we rise above them?

Let’s go learn.

Sid Slivko is a rabbi and Jewish educator living in Jerusalem, Israel

This week Arizona Congressional Representative Gabrielle Gifford is stepping down.  Gifford was shot in the head nearly a year ago outside a grocery store while talking with constituents.  Six others present were killed and many others wounded.

Here is her moving resignation video:

“If someone would tell me here, then, that I wout come sixty something and three years later with my grandchildren, so I’d say what are you talking about?… so here you are. This is a really historic moment”. – Adolek Kohn, survivor, Auschwitz.

The video to the left features three generations of a Melbourne family – a holocaust survivor, his daughter, and his grandchildren dancing on the grounds of concentration camps across Europe and in front of synagogues and signs of Jewish life across Europe. Full of joy and determination they are accompanied by Gloria Gaynor’s song “I will Survive”. In the final moments Gaynor’s song merges with Leonard Cohen’s “Dance Me to the End of Love”. It was produced by his daughter, Australian artist Jane Korman.

The video is the first in a three part series: the second shows her dancing as a child with her father and other family members to the tune of Leonard Cohen’s “Dance Me to the End of Love”. The final video interviews Adolek Kohn playing his memories of the train ride to Auschwitz begging for water against his joyous return so many years later with grandchildren, a trip few ever had a chance to make:

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic ’til I’m gathered safely in …
Dance me to the children who are asking to be born
Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn
Raise a tent of shelter now, though every thread is torn
Dance me to the end of love (Leonard Cohen, 1984)

Kohn’s daughter who produced the video, explains that she had noticed that people had become numb to the word “Holocaust”. She wanted a fresh way to get people thinking about the Holocaust. Later when the video created controversy, she asked her parents how they felt about the negative reactions. He said “We came from the ashes – now we dance.”. “I came with my grandchildren… I don’t know how many people can come with their grandchildren because most of them are dead.”

The video series first published in the summer of 2010, created some controversy and a wide range of responses. For some it shifted their understanding. For others it was a sign of hope. For others a sign of disrespect.

thats seriously amazing. Its so empowering. That survivor went back to where he watched hundreds of thousands of people died and danced with his grandchildren, I think its just an amazing example of the power of the human spirit ( bhawk911 on Youtube )

I think the main thing that this video challenged in my ideas was the notion that Auschwitz is a grave site. It isn’t. It’s a crime scene. Those are two very different things. ( iwoj on You Tube )

I think this display at the site of extreme horror for many Jews is mistaken and a desecration. It is wonderful that Mr. Kohn survived, but there are many others that seek to destroy the Jews and it is a mockery of those who succumbed. (Facts Life on DebbieSchlussel.com )

Some fellow Holocaust survivors were also offended. “It seems to trivialize the horrors that were committed,” said Kamil Cwiok, 86. “I don’t see how this video is a mark of respect for the millions who didn’t survive or for those who did.”

The range of responses should not be surprising. There is no such thing as a simple response to the kind of evil presented by the Holocaust. The potential for evil must not be forgotten. The dead deserve to be honored. The living deserve to rejoice and underscore the failure of those who tried to harm them, most especially by transforming the very sites where the horror took place.

Judaism has often struggled with the conflicting dynamic beween acknowledging evil and refusing to let it have the final word. In Jewish tradition the trecherous Amalek and Haman are supposed to have their names blotted out forever. Yet each year Jews remember them by remembering their oblivion. How? By turning it into a celebration. On Purim, children and adults dress up in clothes that deliberately mock the normal roles and conventions of life. In synagogue, every time the name of Haman is mentioned during the reading of the Purim story (book of Esther) it is drown out by loud noises – groggers, table pounding, cymbals and other loud noises – at once both remembering and forgetting.

There is also precedent in Jewish tradition for dancing at graves, as strange as the idea may seem. Each year at Rosh HaShanna, followers of Rabbi Nachman of Bratslav gather in Uman to spend the holiday in the presence of this holy story teller and Hassidic leader. Rabbi Nachman taught that joy was a pathway to God, so his followers dance in his name through the streets and even at his grave.

To have died in the Holocaust is to become a holy person, a tzaddik. To dance near and at the graves of those who did not survive acknowledges that their martyrdom was not without cause, that their courage will never be forgotten. We live in the shadow of their holiness. We must not forget. At least some of those for whom the murdered died live on and continue to thrive in their name. Is there any better way to remember?

How would you wish to be remembered if your life had been stolen from you? If your loved ones’ had?

Red Hawk tattoo

Red Hawk tattoo

Two of our authors, Elizabeth Grace Frank-Backman and Stephanie Pasquarelli have started a new project called The Survivor’s Ink Project.

The Survivor’s Ink Project is assembling a gallery of tattoos survivors of abuse and violence have gotten to celebrate their lives. The pictures will be posted in an on-line gallery here at If She Cry Out and also on the project’s facebook page.

The project showcases survivors as masters of transformation: turning the darkest of human experiences into lessons of hope, beauty, and power. One survivor’s tattoo reads the same both right side up and upside down as if to say “No reality, however upside down, can take away a survivor’s fundamental nature”.

Other tattoos show a warrior woman rising above rainbows, flowers twining, a hawk soaring, and a spirited horse rearing. Rarely are tattoos the same. No two stories are alike. The essential creativity of being human becomes ever clearer when we rise above the inconceivable and embrace life.

If you are a survivor of abuse or violence of any kind, e-mail us your photo and a brief paragraph explaining why you chose the tattoo and what it means to you. The tattoo can represent celebration of any kind: your journey, life, experiences, struggles, success’, or anything else that symbolizes being a survivor for you.

To submit a tattoo, please send the following to TheSurvivorsInkProject at gmail.com :

  • a photo of your tattoo
  • a paragraph explaining why you chose that tattoo and what it means to you (whatever you feel safe sharing).
  • the name or alias under which you would like to be associated with it – you are welcome to use either an alias or your own name, whatever you feel most comfortable with.
  • the country you live in (so eventually we can do a map of survivor tattoos around the world!)
  • optional: a web address/link that you want associated with your name or alias (blog, facebook,myspace).


If you don’t wish to send a tattoo, you can still support this project by

  • “like”ing the project on facebook: The Survivor’s Ink Project
  • sharing or emailing this post – see the buttons at the bottom of this post
  • telling a survivor you know about this project
  • if you work with survivors, letting your organization and colleagues know about this project
  • if you are a tattoo artist, telling your fellow artists and appropriate clients

Raising Awareness

  • Anny Jacoby writes that Teens Face More Consequences from Sexting than Congressmen Do! reflects on the way laws against electronic transmission of images are being used against teens. In some states, prosecutors have charged teens who text images of themselves with transmitting child pornography. Students who send the images to others can end up 70 or more such charges, one for each person on their male list. Both can end up on sexual offender lists. She also tells the story of Allyson Pereira who paid a terrible price in terms of bullying. Pereira is now is educating students about sexting and trying to change laws that leave teens with heavy legal consequences for an impulsive or accidental act.

Publicity and Milestones

  • Angela Rose. Activist Angela Rose, founder of PAVE, talks with ABC News about PAVE, the organization she founded, and the kidnapping and sexual assault that turned her into an activist. PAVE is celebrating its 10th anniversary this year. Its name stands for “Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment”
  • The Angel Band Project. At the end of May, the founders of the Angel Band Project were keynote speakers at the 2011 SART (Sexual Assault Response Team) conference in Austin, Texas. The Angel Band Project was started as a creative musical response to the rape and murder of Theresa Butz. Her family and friends created a benefit CD of original cover songs. They donating royalties from the CD will be donated to the Voices and Faces Project.
  • Maria DiBari‘s Tri-County Crisis Center (TCCC) has received a grant from Verizon Wireless. The center will provide services to domestic violence victims regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Male and LGBT victims often lack services and TCCC wants to address that issue. Maria DiBari is a survivor of domestic violence. Her experience opened her eyes to gaps in services and she has been advocating for legal reform and solutions to service gaps since 2008.

Collaboration

  • Alexis A. Moore from Survivors in Action and Maria DiBari from Tri-County Crisis Center (TCCC) are working together to improve GPS monitoring in Dutchess County, NY, USA. They are also working together to help domestic violence survivors get free reconstructive surgery for injuries casued by domestic battering.
  • Betty Makoni from the Girl Child Network will be speaking at the London event of the first ever Global “Walk A Mile In Her Shoes”® Day on June 19. This day is a joing project of The Pixel Project and Venture Humanity. There will be events around the globe to raise money and encourage men to work together to prevent domestic violence. Venture Humanity will raise money through “Walk a Mile in Her Shoes” events. This is a march where men where men do their best to walk literally in women’s shoes, i.e. pumps and high heels. A admission fee is charged to each man, depending on where they march. In Kuala Lumpur it is US$ 12. In London it is US$ 25. The Pixel Project will raise money through its Celebrity Male Role Model Pixel Reveal campaign. This campaign will raise US $1,000,000 for domestic violence by drawing a million pixel picture of four mystery male role models. Each time someone donates US$ 1, a dot will be added to the picture.

Volunteering

  • Erin Merryn, who advocates for teaching young people how to recognize and react to sexual abuse, is spending the week as a camp counsellor working with abused children in foster care.

Calls to Action

  • The Office of the Inspector General of the Peace Corps is conducting a review of procedures for handling sexual assault. They are requesting that survivors of sexual or physical violence while serving as a Peace Corps Volunteer, please contact the OIG at OIG@peacecorps.gov to share your experience. For more information, see First Response Action. First Response Action is a coaliation of former Peace Corps volunteers who were sexually assaulted during their service.
  • In 2008 a cheerleader at Silsbee High School in Texas was raped by one of the members of her schools basketball team. After the rape she participated in all basketball game cheers, but she refused to shout out the alleged rapist’s name. The school kicked her off the team and her family sued. After three years of legal battles she lost her suit and was ordered to pay the schools legal fees to the tune of $45,000. The alleged rapist had not yet been indicted at the time she refused to cheer, so the court ruled that the suspension from the team was legitimate.

    Change.org has put up a petition asking that the school waive the legal fees and set up a proper policy so that students don’t have to cheer the name of a student they allege has raped them. Please visit the site if you would like to sign it.

    If you would like to donate to a fund to offset the legal fees, you can visit http://www.helpthecheerleader.com/ .

Religious protest

  • Linda Fossen, a survivor of CSA, but also a Christian, writes a post explaining why Jesus should use the church for defamation of character.
  • Karenp@RealGrace, another christian survivor of CSA, writes a post challenging superficial understandings of the idea that “God is behind every trial”. She argues that trials that are a by-product of human wrong doing cannot simply be brushed off as the handiwork of God and we need to understand God’s ability to bring good out of these situations in a different way. See “Is God Behind Every Trial?”.

Saw "Man Down" by @rihanna. Every victim/survivor of rape is unique, including how they THINK they'd like justice 2 be handed out. This week Gabrielle Union caused an uproar when she tweeted about Rihanna’s recent video Man Down.

Unfortunately in all of the uproar, Gabrielle Union rather than her message became the focus. Her message was this: we need to talk about rape and Rihanna’s video is getting the conversation going. She expressed understanding but not approval for the solution to rape portrayed in Rihanna’s video, “Man Down”. In a series of tweets posted on June 4, 2011, she wrote (abbreviations expanded for readability):

Saw “Man Down” by @rihanna. Every victim/survivor of rape is unique, including how they THINK they’d like justice to be handed out.

During my rape I tried 2 shoot my rapist, but I missed. Over the years I realized that killing my rapist would have added insult to injury. The DESIRE to kill someone who abused or raped you is understandable, but unless it is self defense in the moment to save your life, just add to your troubles. I repeat SELF DEFENSE to save or protect yourself, I’m ALL for. Otherwise victim/survivor takinf justice into your own hands with violence equals more trouble for YOU!!

#mandown video did a GREAT job of getting the ENTIRE world TALKING about RAPE. I hope that it leads to HEALING and PREVENTS RAPE . Rape, Abuse, Incest and so many other forms of voilence against women/children is ignored by so many. I wish they would listen.

Replying to mz_obika’s question “you were raped? Uh? By who?” and to GUnionFanPage, she concludes the series of tweets with her own story:

Stranger who robbed the store I worked at. He put his gun down during the rape and asked me. Had it to him. I hope this can help people. To hear @itsgabrielleu’s story go to: http://oprah.com/oprahradio/surviving-sexual-assault-audio .

Gabrielle Union was 19 when a thief attacked and raped her in addition to robbing the shoe store during summer job where she was working. During rape he put the gun down. He put gun down and then asked her to hand it to him. Instead she grabbed the gun and did her best to try to kill and stop him, shot him but missed, then they fought over the gun, he beat her severely, threatened to kill her, and he fled. This story is not new

In the years since she has engaged in a mix of healing action and advocacy. She describes healing as a “life long journey” and takes care of herself with therapy. She visits rape crisis centers to talk about her story and offer support and encouragement to fellow survivors. She has also been outspoken about issues connected to rape. Her goal is to one day not hear “Me too” when she goes out on speaking engagements.

Her advocacy work is not limited to victims. In June, 2009 she testified before the US Senate Judiciary Committee in support of the Violence Against Woman Act. She spoke of the difference it made to have been raped in a district with a well funded and well trained police department and victim support services. She also discussed the linkage between strong victim support services and successful prosecutions. In her conversations with law enforcement, she found that police don’t have the time nor training to help victims make the transition to survivor. Victims make poor witnesses, but survivors make great ones. They need well funded rape crisis centers to take up the slack so rapists can be more effectively taken off the streets.

After the Richmond high school gang rape in October, 2009, Gabrielle Union wrote a commentary piece for the Global Grind expressing dismay at the way race and socioeconomic issues have been used to explain away a brutal gang rape. The real issue is social tolerance for violence against women. She wrote:

Maybe I have just seen every kind of rapist and survivor — every race, color, religion, socio-economic status group — it’s all the same, a lack of regard for violence against women. Tolerated, and in this case encouraged by the mob surrounding the perps … laughing, joking and taking pics.

Unfortunately very few of the blogs and news reports about her tweets focused on her advocacy work or the problem of rape. Many thought it was the first time she had admitted to the shooting attempt during the rape. In fact it was part of her Senate testimony and her interview with Dr. Laura Berman on Oprah radio in 2009. Countless blogs, talk shows, and news outlets crowed some version of “Gabriel Union reveals ‘I tried to shoot my rapist’”.

Others thought that Union was validating the video or revenge shooting by pointing out her own story. In fact she was contrasting her story with that told by Rihanna’s song, “Man Down”. “Man Down” tells the story of a woman who is raped in a dance club and then reacts much later by following the rapist to the train station and shooting him in the middle of the crowd where she could have endangered others. The song discusses both the shooting and her regrets after the fact as she reflects on the significance of murder.

Rihanna’s video man down tells a very different story about rape than Gabrielle Union’s. Gabrielle Union’s shooting attempt was, as she says in her tweet, self-defense in the heat of the moment. Union identifies with the story all the same because she, like many rape victims, have had to consider using lethal force.

It is easy to fantasize about revenge when we don’t have the option, but the reality of taking a life or even seriously considering it, is much different. As Rihanna’s rape victim says “Could’ve been somebody’s son And I took his heart when I pulled out that gun”.

Speaking from my own experience as a rape survivor, the very fact one had to make such a choice is painful even when it is well justified. The violation of rape puts one in touch with the sacredness of one’s own life at the very moment one is considering the possibility of terminating another’s life. Whether in self defense or revenge, one cannot but be aware that all life is sacred.

rainbow rising from the rocksAt a certain point in their healing process, many survivors begin wondering if they can use their experiences to make a difference in other people’s lives. Coming to terms with a front row seat witnessing the worst humanity offers is no simple matter. It takes a lot of creativity and effort so many wonder if they can find additional uses for the work they have put into healing.

Whether one is a survivor or simply has a passionate vision for change, the first step in turning that vision into reality is to define a set of concrete goals and support them with an action plan.

The following “10 commandments” of goal setting are based on a list provided by Jamie Mintun. Management and motivational literature often like to speak rhetorically so lists of 3, 7 or 10 so this is only one of many such lists. However, Mintun’s list gets high marks for its blend of both emotional and practical aspects of goal setting.

The commentary on each goal reflects a variety of research on psychological and management aspects of goal setting, coupled with insights from survivors who have been the target of cruel or inhuman behavior.

  1. Thou shalt be passionate. Follow your heart so you have energy for the long haul. Rape survivor Jamie Mintun writes:

    More powerful than any goal you set is the passion you have for what you want, what you do, and who you are. Ever notice that you set goals for the things you don’t want to do, but feel you must do? Yet the activities you absolutely relish somehow get done on their own…

    Too many businesses perish in the absence of the passion that birthed them… you cannot lose sight of what you’re here for. Know what fire burns bright in your chest… the warrior heart that beats for your cause. What do you stand for? What is the beauty you see in the world that you wish to share… and what is the suffering you seek to snuff out?

    Another rape survivor, Hayley Rose Horzepa, writes about the importance of holding onto passion even when it seems impractical:

    You can avoid doing things in the name of practicality for as long as you want… Nothing is easy, but when you are working toward something that you truly want, the end result will likely be more pleasant than if you are doing something because someone told you to “be practical.”

    If you’ve been spending your time on Earth avoiding your passion or what you love in favor of something more practical, you are not only cheating yourself but the world out of your greatness. Many people have sacrificed their deepest desires in the name of practicality, and if this is you, take some advice from Dr. Seuss: “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

  2. Thou shalt be value driven. Values are the intellectual handmaiden of passion. Whereas passion gives us energy, values give us purpose. They provide the “why” behind the passion and connect our passion to the needs of others.

    An effective goal must stay consistent with core values. This includes the core values of everyone affected by the goal: you, those working along side you, anyone contributing resources or moral support, anyone benefiting from your project. Know who benefits from your goals, how they beneift, and why you and they care. If a goal does not have value for you, ditch it. If the goal involves others but does not have value for them, ditch it. The best goals marry our personal vision with the needs of others.

    For yourself , know why you care about those values and what you are willing to pay in order to make them happen. A value is a true value if you are not willing to give up other things for that value.For others, don’t just guess at what others want, ask. If you want to help a particular group of people, ask them what they need most.

    If there are other people doing work similar work to the work you want to do, think long and hard. Is your project adding value that others are not? Will you add more value working on your own or joining with an existing project? Even social vision have a market and it is important to understand the role of your project within the larger market of social services.

    If others are investing money or resources in you, ask them what value they hope to achieve. Are their goals consistent with yours? Do you have a common mission? Can you educate them to bring their goals and values in line with yours? If not, can you work with the tensions and still stay faithful to your own values and goals?

    Know your priorities. Pick a small number of high value goals rather than a long laundry list of things that you think “ought” to happen. Too many goals results in scattered unfocused effort.

    Finally, sometimes values come into conflict. Anticipate conflicts when you can. Know which goals and values matter most if you have to chose or compromise.

  3. Thou shalt be realistic. Dream big but think practically about the resources, constraints, and needs required to get from A to B.

    Big visions can be accomplished, but they take strategy and planning. Break down your big vision into smaller achievable steps. Think hard about the relationship between each step. How does the current step goal make the next step goal possible? Identify a strategic staircase that will help you accumulate resources and remove constraints by building on past successes.It is important not to discount the importance of small incremental goals.

    A goal doesn’t have to make a big splash to be worth the effort. As Mike McBride writes (survivor of childhood abuse):

    It’s easy to look at the big picture of our lives, and decide that doing something small won’t really matter…. The more small accomplishments we get under our belts, the more our confidence grows, the more we learn and develop the small skills that will be beneficial for the larger challenges.

    Being successful and accomplishing goals is a learned skill set. You don’t suddenly learn how to make a plan, stick to it, adjust as needed, and reach your goal, overnight. You spend a lifetime learning and refining those skills. Why not start with small goals instead of overwhelming yourself at the start and giving up?

    The term “strategic staircase” is more than management buzz-speak. It was developed by London Business School professor Michael Hays as a way to describe how large companies were able to redirect and grow their business. If large companies with ample resources need to think step wise when they move into new terrority, how much more so, the individual survivor with a creative vision for social change?

  4. Thou shalt be detailed. Develop concrete metrics to identify progress towards the goal. If the goal is large identify concrete intermediate accomplishments.

    Vague or overly broad goals will simply lead to frustration. You can’t measure your achievement so you can’t reward yourself. Without tangible results it will become increasingly hard to see the connection between your values and your goals. When goals become disconnected from passion, it is hard to maintain your energy and commitment. You will not be able to stick with things for the long haul.

    So how do you tell if a goal is detailed enough? Like a newspaper report, goals must have a who, what, when, and where. Who will be needed to reach the goal? What actions will take place? When must these actions take place? Where will these actions take place? How will I know when the actions are complete? What event or measurement will tell me this? What will I see, touch, taste or smell when the goal is accomplished? “Send emails to 5 people this coming week” is a concrete goal. “Increase website traffic by 5% by January, 2011″ is a concrete goal. “Reduce violence” is not.

    Together these first four commandments are sometimes summarized in the acronym S.M.A.R.T : Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time Specific. Relavance is another way of saying that goals must be tied to values and passion. Achievable underscores the importance of a realistic understanding of resource needs and the process of obtaining more resources for your vision. Specific, Measurable and Time Specific are three different ways of saying “Thou shalt be detailed”.

  5. Thou shalt plan. A plan where realism and detail meet and are turned into action.

    Plans detail the actions needed to implement each step on the staircase that turns vision into reality. They should contain concrete measurable time bound mini-goals. They should list the actions that must be carried out to achieve those goals. They should name the resources needed by those actions and identify the sources for those resources.

    Plans should not be viewed as static entities. Rather they should be under a process of continuous evaluation. Expect the unexpected. Consider risk points and alternate paths should things go wrong. Expect to revise the plan as you go. Executing each step will bring new knowledge and unexpected circumstances. Do not be afraid to change your plan to take new insights and circumstances into account.

  6. Thou shalt remain accountable. Put your plan in writing and share it with others. Set aside a regular time to review your plan and assess how well you are sticking to it. Encourage friends to remind you of your plan and help you to stay on track. Identify people who are willing to hold you accountable. Set aside to meet with them and discuss your progress.

    Accountability also means good stewardship. If your project involves the time and resources of others, it is especially important that you honor the purpose of their donations. Keep track of how resources are spent so you can show that you have used them well. When making major decisions involving the resources of others, avoid solo decision making. Even if your project is informal, identify people who are willing to act as a board of advisers to insure major decisions are consistent with the goals of everyone involved.

    Failure to do this can lose trust and damage even the most enthusiastic projects. Don’t let your vision die because you lost the trust of those who have helped you.

  7. Thou shalt have fun. Sticking to plan doesn’t have to be dreary. Sometimes there is more than one way to reach the same end. We can’t always have fun at everything, but often we over look the possibilities. Let go and brainstorm: is there a fun and equally successful way to get to the next step? If so, go for it.

    Having fun also means rewarding yourself and those who work along side of you, as you reach each milestone. Without positive reinforcement along the way, it is hard to carry out a big vision to completion. Be proud of the small steps along the way.

    Finally, regardless of outcome, exercise good self-care. Research indicates that those who are exceptionally compassionate towards others tend to score lowest on measures of self care. Make sure you intentionally set aside time for things that relax you and remind you of your zest for life and the people you love most.

  8. Thou shalt believe. Trust your plans and your ability to follow through.There is always a bit of hope and stretch in any important goal. If it were not so, then it wouldn’t be a goal. It would be history.

    One device for reinforcing belief is to state the goals in present tense. Instead of “I will do such-and-such within a year”, state “Dec, 2011. We have done such-and-such.”. The stated goal should be include sensory details and facts that prove the goal was accomplished. This includes the anticipated emotional responses of supporters: family, friends, board members, and so on.

    Don’t be deterred by setbacks. Even in the face of major setbacks, be prepared to look beyond the present challenge. Another rape survivor and motivational speaker, Jennifer Botkin Phillips, offers several tips that have helped her to live out the philosophy that “setbacks pave the way for comebacks“.

    Setbacks will happen but they don’t invalidate the goal or your possibility of achieving it. Examine the basis of each setback and self-doubt. If it is based on fact, develop a plan to address the limitation and move around it. If it is based on fear, explore that fear, find its roots, and question the thought processes and beliefs behind it.

  9. Thou shalt seek support.Surround yourself with people who believe in you and who will hold you accountable.Do not be afraid to get other people involved.

    A vision can only grow when other people get involved and join you in making it their own.Even more important understand that supporters fall into at least two categories: (i) people who have resources but must be asked (ii) people who share your passion but don’t know what they can give. Be prepared to empower people and not just ask for their help.

  10. Thou shalt not give up. Nothing important can be accomplished with a single deed. Be prepared to work over the long haul. Guard your passion and your sense of fun.

    • Reinforce your values and their connection to your goals. Being value driven is an on-going task. Set aside time daily or at least weekly to actively reflect on the values behind your goals. Why are they still important? How are the day to day practical tasks connected to your values?
    • Nuture your creativity. When faced with problems, seek out new ideas, both within and without. Internal means to seek new ideas include meditation and relaxation. External means to seek new ideas include books, articles, and conversation with others. Brainstorm about all the disciplines that might have valuable insights. If you are running an organization: look at materials on management. If you are involved in conscious raising, look at materials on marketing and find out what other organizations are doing to promote their causes. If you are providing meals, learn about new ideas in food service in general and not just non-profit food kitchens. Sometimes new ideas come out of the blue, but just as often they come when someone takes a good idea in one professional field and adapts it to work in another.
    • If you have a faith tradition that supports your goals, reflect on your traditions source texts and discuss your vision with your community. Religious traditions have often spent centuries or more struggling for the very things that you struggle with, but have not given up. Your tradition and faith community can provide both inspiration and a creative source for problem solving.
    • If your task is large set realistic intermediate goals and be sure to reward yourself when you meant them. Without midterm successes it will be far to easy for self-doubt to erode your motivation and passion.
    • Approach setbacks with pragmatism, not despair. Reevaluate your goals, but do not give up on the fact of having a goal. Our vision may change over time, but we must not stop working to convert vision into tangible reality.

One Monday, my husband and I went to Tel Aviv. He had a meeting and I had things to read so I decided to travel with him from Jerusalem to keep him company. Then we went to dinner.

While he was in his meeting, I sat in a cafe outside the building, reading my book and drinking coffee. The couple at the table next to me left. A hooded crow flew down and perched on the back of the seat next to the table. His eyes moved back and forth, scanning, looking at me and looking at the table of half eaten food, coffee cups and jelly donuts with their red jam and white sugar. This went on for several minutes, back and forth, head turning, eye aimed right at me, and then at the food. Then he hopped off the chair onto the pavement, hopped around a bit, and flew off.

Across the plaza were two pillars. On top of one stood a young boy. On top of the other stood a girl. They were half facing each other. A few minutes later, another hooded crow flew into the plaza, this time landing on the head of the boy. He looked around and flew off.

Behind the pillars were three flag poles. The one nearest to me and most easily visible had a flag of Japan, land of the rising sun. A third crow flew into the plaza and perched on top of the pole flying the Japanese flag, a large red ball on a white background, and then left.

Dusk was falling. Behind the flag poles was a park with large dark trees with broad canopies, a rarity in Israel. Minutes went by without a crow, but then I saw a lone crow fly from one tree to another in the shadows of the park. I wondered about the connections between the four birds, but could see nothing.

By that point it was getting too dark to read so I went into the lobby of the building. The lobby was filled with several large statues of modern art. It has been a while since I’ve sat in the lobby of a building in the business district. I sat watching the tailored suits and felt as if I missed that world slightly. For me, it represents a path once taken and abandoned I feel a certain sadness. I miss the feeling of competence and control, but there is something about that world that has always seemed false. Some part of me is like a raven wanting to fly in and peck away at all the pretenses.

What struck me at first was the contrast between self-possessed men and women walking through the lobby in their tailored suits and the statues, which all seemed to be symbols of vulnerability: a mother with a child, two men wrestling, two large vases on a coffee table in the shape of tear drops or wombs, a beam sticking out from the mezzanine above with a maiden perched on the end as if walking the plank, and an odd looking sculpture that looked like a sea anemone from the depths of the sea where only bathyspheres go.

Then I got up and started walking around. There were many other sculptures. Next to the sea anemone was a pair of outstretched arms holding a bronze expanse and a striving arm grasping at a golden ball. Further back in the lobby was a bronze sculpture that looked part mushroom and part grinding pestle. And way in the back was a semi-circle of sculptures. One of these looked like the squat big beaked raven sometimes found on top of totem poles.

It was titled, “HaHitpartzut HaRishonah”, the first break-out. And then it hit me, the sculptures weren’t sculptures of vulnerability, but of different kinds of power. The maiden on the plank was also the mermaid leading sailors to safety or Athena leading soldiers to battle. The mother and child were the power of nurturing, The vases were the power of tears and creativity. The men wrestling were now clearly Jacob wrestling with an angel, symbols of our search for blessing from above and justice here below. The sea anemone was the power of originality and invention; the arms outstretched, the power of inclusion; the arms reaching for the golden ball, the power of striving and persistence.

The hooded crows had also been pointing out power: food: the power of sustenance and meeting basic needs; the pavement stones of the plaza: the power of groundedness; the boy and girl: the power of relationships; the flag poles: the power of society, politics and nations; the woods beyond: the power of the unconscious.

I have always feared that strength would crowd out love and increase the risk of evil. What all of these forms of power around me helped me see was that there are many, many different kinds of power. The evil associated with power does not lie in power itself, but in using the wrong sort of power in the wrong situation. Only power misplaced oppresses and destroys. Power rightly applied heals and transforms. Ultimately, it is our choice of power that creates either evil or good.

Rape convinced me that I lost all power. I was told by detectives, crisis hotline counsellors, a therapist, and even the director of a rape crisis center what an incredible job I did defending myself. And yet I could not stop rape. For years I couldn’t conceive of a way that I could regain a belief in the effectiveness of my own actions.

The ravens tell me otherwise. Powerlessness was a lie. They showed me that the only power rape took from me was physical power. On a street in Tel-Aviv I learned that our survival and creativity is never dependent on only one type of power. Take one away from us, and there are still so many others to try.

When a terrorism attack breaks out, the event consumes news channels. Reporters are eager to interview survivors and the general public craves immediate updates on Fox and Sky TV. But weeks, months, and years later the attack is often forgotten to all but the survivors and their closest friends. The plentiful articles and coverage become hard to find on the web and the story disappears. All that is left is a brief description in a list of terrorist attacks on Wikipedia and various advocacy websites and blogs.

Several survivors and videographers are fighting to change that. In the last year a number of documentaries have been released chronically the experience of survivors during the crisis and the years after. These stories cover the impact of terrorism across Asia and the Middle East.

But more than that, they drive home an essential truth known by survivors. Terror does not stop life. When we only see the immediate horror of a terror attack we get a distorted view that minimizes both bad and good. We see the terror, but not the true cost played out over time. We see chaos and loss, but not the reflective processes that lead to insight, courage, and a creative drive to counter horror with justice.

Jordan

Killing in the Name, directed by Jed Rothstein, tells the story of Ashraf al-Khaled who lost 27 members of his wedding party in the November 9, 2005 Amman hotel bombings. One of Rothstein’s goals was to move beyond the tragedy and explore how al-Khaled integrated what happened into his on-going life and work. The documentary was nominated for an Oscar in 2010. For screening information contact the Global Survivors Network.

Pakistan

FIVE , directed by Khurrum Mahmood , tells the story of five Pakistani survivors – screened during the Cannes International Film Festival . The documentary features the experience of five survivors: Waqar Khalid, Sayed Ali Shah, Ifran Malik, Nawab Sheer, and Tahir Malik. Tahir Malik is one of the founders of the Pakistan Terrorism Survivors Network, a group that works to support survivors of the many terrorist attacks within Pakistan. For screening information contact the Global Survivors Network.

“I Witness” records the reflections of people of three different faiths who were survivors of the Decmeber 28, 2009 Karachi Ashura bombing. One survivor concludes that the terrorists have undercut their own methods:

They think they can scare us from death, but they have forgotten that martyrdom is an honour for us. These terror attacks have taken away the fear of death from our hearts. But it doesn’t mean that we don’t cry or we don’t feel grief. It’s actually that we have learned to reply cruelty with our patience. We want to tell the terrorists that great nations can survive in any situation. They keep on living happily.”

The documentary was shown during The London International Documentary Festival (May 13-28, 2011).

India

Beyond Mumbai: Hope and Healing tells the story of the November 26, 2008 Mumbai Bombings through the eyes of several survivors who were on a trip together with Alan and Naomi Scherr. Alen and Naomi Scherr were killed in the bombing. The documentary is in five parts: 1 2 3 4 5

Indonesia

“Prison and Paradise”, directed by Daniel Rudi Haryanto, follows the stories of five Muslim children orphaned by the Bali bombing attack. It demonstrates the irony of religiously motivated terrorism: the terrorist attacks perpetrated in the name of Islam increased the number of orphans, a group which Islam sees as deserving special protection. Not only did the attack leave the children of those murdered without parents. One of the perpetrators had two children that he could not tend to because of being jailed by the attack.

The documentary premiered at the 2010 Dubai International Film Festival. For more information about the film and screenings, see http://prisonandparadise.blogspot.com/.

Israel

“Their eyes were dry” , directed by Brandon Assanti , is a full length film documenting the May 15, 1974 Ma’alot massacre . 22 children and 3 adults were killed when terrorist took hostage a high school in the Galilean town of Ma’alot, Israel. The story of the massacre is told through the eyes of the now adult children who were held hostage. The movie was screened in several theatres across the USA on May 9, 2011. For screening information and stills, see http://www.theireyesweredry.com/.

Organizational sponsorship

“FIVE” and “Killing in the Name” are projects of the Global Survivors Network, a group advocating against terrorism. It was founded by terror attack survivors Ashraf al-Khaled (Amman hotel bombings) and Carie Lemack (9/11) as an outgrowth of their work together on Killing in the Name.

“Beyond Mumbai: Hope and Healing” is a project of Odyssey Networks .

“I Witness” was developed with the help of Pocket Visions Filmaking for Social Change. The project provides young Pakistanki filmakers with the training needd to make their own films.

Raven overlooking canyon

Credit: Al_HikesAZ @ Flickr.com

We’ve been on hiatus so this week’s roundup will include a few tidbits from earlier in the year and not just the last week.

Survivor artists, writers and activists

Anne Jacoby

Ayanna Nahmias

Beth Fehlbaum

Erin Merryn

  • On February 14, 2011, after many years of advocacy, Erin’s law was signed by the Governor of Illinois. We congratulate her and all who have worked along side of her on their efforts. The law ensures that school aged children will be educated about child sexual abuse prevention. Erin Merryn herself is a survivor of childhood sexual assualt. For her story and future plans,see her website.

Ginger Voight

  • Tells the story of the first time she told her story of stranger rape at age 4 and contrasts that with the reception that Ben Stein gave the Strauss-Kahn story in the American Spectator.

Maria DiBari

Wendy Blight

Survivor founded organizations and projects

First Response Action, started by a group of Peace Corp volunteers who had been raped during their Peace Corp service, works to improve prevention and care for Peace Corp volunteers who have been assulted during their service.

PAVE, started by Angela Rose, survivor of a knife-point abduction at 17. The organization encourages and empowers survivors to work towards the elimination of sexual violence.

Survivors in Action is a project of Alexis A. Moore, a survivor of cyber-stalking. The organization focuses on raising awareness about domestic violence and stalking survivors who fall through the cracks. Recent activities include

Stilletos and Self-Defense is a project of Jennifer Cassetta, a survivor of attempted assault and the 9/11 terrorist attacks. She discusses her motivations for the project. From time to time her blog contains various self defense tips including this interesting set of safety tips for actresses: How to Stay Safe at Auditions.

Where’s Your Line is a project of Nancy Schwartzman, a survivor of rape who made a documentary that included her rapists confession that he raped her. The project examines the meaning of consent and advocates to bring the conviction rate for rape in line with the conviction rate for other crimes. In the past month the blog has had posts on:

In addition Where’s Your Line is partnering with Planned Parenthood and the Mount Sinai School of Medicine Sexual Assault and Violence Intervention program to lead a day long seminar on sex, consent, and intimate partner communication.