Thought pieces

B is for bone. We need to understand that we are strong like bones, yes breakable, but also incredibly strong, durable, and resilient. At times we can break, but mostly we endure.

I used to feel all uncomfortable and freaked out about bone, about having bones, about having a skeleton inside of me. But bones are intricate, minute little worlds and a skeleton is a recipe for function and possibilities.

After watching the show “Bones” for several seasons I have concluded that there is reason to love bones and to love being made of bones at my core. Living bones are not like skeletons. Living bones are alive, containing, enfolding, protecting, they make it possible for so much that we are capable of. Rarely do we question it or think about it. Bones are courageous. Survivors are like bones.

B is for ball. One of my brothers told me recently a ball is the most popular toy the world over. I told him, I know that. I read that in a book of children’s games and online as well. I showed him a small, tiny bouncing ball I had brought with me to California from Ohio and before that from Minnesota. I told him it is one of my favorite toys as well. I had been bouncing it out in the backyard earlier in the day. The ability to play is so tied up for me in playing with a ball. I have never lost the ability to play. We all need that. B is for ball.

B is for beauty. Survivors need beauty. We need to breathe in beauty, to soak it deep into our skin, to drink it down, to feast our eyes upon it. Survivors need beauty. We need every reason that we can find to have a reason for joy in this world. We need beauty like others need food or water. We need to have a reason to stay here, we need beauty, we need to find love, something to love, something for us to want, something for us to find joy and happiness with, something to make our hearts beat a little bit faster. Beauty is healing and we need all the healing we can find.

This article originally appeared in Kate1975’s Blog; reprinted with permission.

Robert Watson’s essay “Wherefore art thou Tereu?: Juliet and the Legacy of Rape” is a thought provoking rethinking of Romeo and Juliet. We normally think of Romeo and Juliet as the paradigmatic love story.  He argues that the story is in fact a study of the role of perception in identifying lovers and rapists: “Whether Romeo is to be viewed as lover, husband, or rapist depends on what each on-stage observer knows and does not know at that particular moment.” (p. 3)

He shows how even in love passages, Shakespeare’s choice of imagery contains allusions to rape narratives in classical and contemporary literature. The poem on which Romeo and Juliet is based, Arthur Brooke’s poem “The Tragicall Historye of Romeus and Juliet” casts a much dimmer view of Romeo’s motives.

These allusions help the audience understand that both Juliet and her families concerns about Romeo’s motives are more than just the modesty of young love or family prejudice. They reflect tendencies and concerns about rape in the surrounding culture. For example, Juliet’s second suitor is named Paris. In Greek mythology, Paris stole, and presumably raped, Helen of Troy. Watson further points out that forced marriages were recognized even by contemporaries as a form of socially sanctioned rape.

Though Watson does not use the term “rape culture”, Watson astutely observes its presence even in this most romantic of plays. He also makes a secondary observation that this juxtaposition of perfect romantic love and rape is intentional and meant to disturb. More »

The mystery of hope. Sting’s version of this eerie medieval carol for Christmas and the Feast of the Annunciation celebrates Mary, mother of Jesus. But old songs can have new interpretations. Its haunting music and dark images mixing innocence and awe celebrate the potential of any woman who has lived through horrible circumstances and stills finds ways to bring hope into the world.

In these words we can see not just Mary, but all women:

For know a Blessed Mother thou shalt be,
All generations laud and honor thee
Thy Son shall be Immanuel, by seers foretold.
Most highly favoured Lady! Gloria!

Immanuel means “God with us”. The wisdom of a woman who has survived her circumstances is a wisdom as deep as life itself. She brings life into the world through this wisdom, both in the way it shapes her actions and the way it shapes her words and all future choices. This wisdom goes beyond the wisdom of her own generation, because it touches all those she nurtures. They in turn carry it forward to those they touch, like angels carrying God’s message of hope into the world.

Threesome (Felix Nussbaum)

When I was a child I loved to read Holocaust stories. My parents were preoccupied with themselves and their dissolving marriage. I got teased a lot at school. The stories of young people who lived during the Holocaust reminded me of how much worse life could be. They helped me understand that no matter how frustrating my life was, I had the option of growing up and escaping.

At thirty, in the middle of the night on Rosh HaShanna, everything changed. More »

Slobodan Milosevic by Nina Maria Kleivan from the photoessay "Potency"

Slobodan Milosevic

Idi Amin by Nina Maria Kleivan from the photo essay "Potency"

Idi Amin

Saadam Hussein by Nina Maria Kleivan from the photoessay "Potency"

Saadam Hussein

Chairman Mao by Nina Maria Kleivan from the photoessay "Potency"

Chairman Mao

Augusto Pinochet by Nina Maria Kleivan from the photoessay "Potency"

Augusto Pinochet

Joseph Stalin by Nina Maria Kleivan from the photoessay "Potency"

Joseph Stalin

Adolf Hitler by Nina Maria Kleivan from the photo essay "Potency"

Adolf Hitler

The photographs to the left are part of a photo essay titled “Potency” by Nina Maria Kleivan. Its intent is to question how innocent children become pinicles of evil. The photographer is the daughter of a a member of the Norweigian WWII resistance who eventually was captured and placed in a German concentration camp. As a child her anger at what her father suffered was so intense that she carried around the name of one of her father’s prison guards in hopes of one day killing him. As a new mother she was struck by the innocence of children and then by the seeming innocence of dictators. “When all you see is a picture, Stalin could’ve been anyone’s kind grandfather. You can’t see the millions of people on his conscience or what a paranoid, dreadful human being he was.” she tells HaAretz.

Evil doesn’t always “look evil”. We come to associate the dress of Hilter or Mussilini or Idi Amin or Sadaam Huessein with evil because of a life long chain of choices. Those choices lead to personal actions and even world events that define a person. The actions and their outcomes, not the clothes make a dictator or a rapist.

Yet when we as a society finally acknowledge evil, we tend to look at the outside. The characteristic dress of the perpetrator becomes the symbol of evil and the process by which evil comes to be is lost. We forget that any of us, making the a certain chain of choices in a certain social context could be perpetrators of evil. In Klevian’s words to HaAretz:

We all begin life the same. We all have every opportunity ahead of us. To do good, or inexplicable evil. You need to be conscious that your actions have consequences that impact on your fellow human beings. The people I let my daughter portray didn’t give a damn about the human cost, the casualties, their thoughts caused. The responsibility is yours alone. You can’t throw it away – as a parent, as human beings – and say that you just followed orders.

Klevian raises important questions: where does evil come from? How does innocence become a symbol of evil? Unfortunately, much of the on-line debate has centered on whether a mother should or should not dress her child up in the clothes of dictators. When all one sees is a picture of a baby, it appears that all one sees is the baby. The child succeeds as a symbol of innocence, but fails as a symbol of choice.

We lose the tension between the grandfatherly picture of Stalin and the mass graves of the Stalinist purges carried out on his direct command. The clothes of an adult Hilter or Milosevic represent their choices because adults are actors in control of their life. Infants do not choose their clothes. At best their clothes represent the choices of their parents and the influence those parents will eventually have over the child’s life.

So is this an essay on the role of a parent in shaping a child’s moral identity? No, because at some point children become adults. They become moral agents in their own right and responsible for their own choices. The evil that so apalls us is the product of adult choices. Evil parents don’t always raise evil kids. In fact, childhood experiences of evil can bring out the best in human beings rather than the worst.

Dressing the child in the clothes of despot also fails as a symbol of the danger of following commands. Childhood in fact represents the one stage in life where following commands may lead to more rather than less morality. Most of society sees a child’s ability to follow commands as an essential step in moral training and development. How many times does a child share food or toys because their mother or father insisted that they do? Some children are naturally generous and outgoing. Others need to be encouraged.

Furthermore, the despots portrayed in Klevian’s photos were the ones who issued the commands. They were in full control of their moral agency and chose to use it to draw lines between friend and foe. All who supported them lived. All who opposed them were candidates for death. Of course they looked like kindly grandfathers. To the people they saw as friends, they were.

There is a long standing tradition of marking material with potentially difficult or painful material with some sort of warning. In movies we slap PG and R ratings. On hard-hitting TV shows dealing with tough realities, we sometimes see an intro suggesting that the show contains material “not suitable for children”. On websites and forums, including this one, sometimes one will find the phrase “Trigger Warning”.

Like PG and R movie ratings, its purpose is to mark difficult material. The phrase “trigger warning” comes from literature on trauma recovery. Anything that symbolizes or reminds someone of a past painful experience has the potential to reawaken or “trigger” vivid memories and strong feelings associated with that experience.

Trigger warnings are meant to be like the highway signs warning of S-curves. They are meant to give a reader time to prepare themselves for emotional jolts. However, if we are not careful, they can start looking a lot more like an NC-17 movie rating.

Movie ratings are all too often used to express social judgments and exclusion. G may officially stand for “general audience”, but in most peoples minds it also means good clean family friendly fun. A movie with too much “bad” language is marked PG. Producers often prefer to release movies unrated rather than risk an NC-17 rating because many advertisers and theaters refuse to promote or show NC-17 movies as a matter of policy.

Sometimes this judgment may be merited. Often sex and violence in movies are gratuitous. It does nothing to push the message of the movie forward. It is added to increase sales or win artistic kudos for being “edgy”. It seeks to titillate and entertain and impress.

But what happens when the violence is not gratuitous? What happens when the violence is just real life? What happens if lessons learned from violence gave a person reason to dedicate their lives to seeking social justice? Should we be marking the lived experience of human beings with warnings? Are some experiences, however difficult, transformative and healing?

Isolation and even shame is a huge part of the pain of trauma. Stories of trauma and the lessons learned from them are not merely stories, but lived experiences. By marking lived experiences as triggers, we are essentially quarantining a part of that person. We are saying “This part of your life is so horrible that you are forbidden to talk about it unless you surround it with signs and rituals.”

So horrible? Or so sacred? We can also look at the signs and rituals, and see them as a demarcation of the sacred. When Moses tried to approach the burning bush, God said “Do not come closer…this is holy ground”. Then follows hell and hope: a recitation of the horrors of slavery, but also God’s promise to personally deliver Moses’ people from those horrors. (Exodus 3:1-8). God effectively gave Moses a trigger warning. But this was not to turn Moses back, but rather to empower Moses to play a role in God’s mission.

When Moses met God face to face on Mount Sinai, his face was so touched by the glory of God that his own people told him to cover his face – they could not look at it. How did Moses feel when he was effectively shunned by his own people, even his own brother Aaron (Exodus 34: 30-31)? There are times when we need to keep even holiness at a distance. None the less, the people continued to listen to Moses and include him. In fact his power grows. Though Moses was at a distance, he was not alone. The difference between feeling awe and passing judgment is found in our willingness to listen.

When a survivor of violence has found wisdom and hope, their experiences become sacred ground. They are a burning burn that speaks of hell, but also of hope. We can never share the experience of a survivor, but we can join in their mission. There is a limit to how close we may come, but that doesn’t mean we are without response. Moses took off his shoes to become more connected to holy ground. Moses’ people stood and listened. They acted even when they didn’t fully understand. Do we?

Once again Ben Roethlisberger is in the news for sexual assault. Nine months ago in July 2009, Andrea McNulty, a mid-level manager with budgetary responsibilities at a hotel in Lake Tahoe, Nevada, filed a lawsuit against the football player. In her lawsuit she alleged that Roethlisberger called her to his room to fix a TV and then forced himself on her. Now at the beginning of March, a college student in Georgia alleged that Roethlisberger cornered her in the bathroom during a VIP party at a local bar and sexually assaulted her.

Roethlisberger’s fans were not too happy about McNulty’s claims in July and they took their wrath out on the accuser. But with this second allegation, the fans are focusing their anger on the alleged rapist, Roethlisberger. Tom Smith at the Bleacher Report wrote: “”I was willing to give Ben the benefit of the doubt after the first allegation, but this second one stinks. At this very least, Ben is a world-class idiot who should lose his sponsors. At worst, he is a sexual predator who should be locked up.” Hampton Stephens in the Atlantic sums it up this way: “When you are the quarterback of that team, your job is to lead. Even assuming Ben is innocent of any wrongdoing … his life outside the stadium is clearly interfering with his ability to lead in it.”

Why the switch? In an interview, CBS legal analyst Jack Ford explains that the March accusation has a higher “index of reliability”. Andrea McNulty never reported the case to the police. When she finally did decide to seek justice she went through the civil courts rather than the criminal court. The college student sought treatment at the hospital and reported the alleged rape immediately after it happened.

It sounds reasonable enough at first glance, but is it? More »

Morning dew in Israel

(Jehosuah HaLevi)

Why is it that advocating for one cause sometimes makes us blind to another?

In November, 2009 the Huffington Post reported that insurers in 8 states and the District of Columbia permitted denial or cancellation of coverage due to a history of being a domestic violence victim. There was a huge PR storm in the general media lamenting how wrong it was to punish innocent victims.

Two blogs focused on disability issues protested: Three Rivers Fog and FWD/Forward, which cross-posted the Three Rivers Blog post. The post and both blog discussions argued that there is something outrageous in the idea that people would think that denying coverage to a survivor of domestic violence is more heinous than denying coverage to a purely medical pre-existing condition.

Both blogs have an important point to make. In the public zeal to protect the innocent, someone seemed to have forgotten that those living with chronic health problems are no less innocent than domestic violence survivors. No matter who you are or why you need coverage, making insurance too expensive to pay for or denying coverage outright is a terrible thing. The US medical system’s price scales presume insurance coverage. A person who does not have medical coverage is penalized twice, first for the lack of coverage, and second because what medical costs he or she can pay for are priced on the assumption that the average payer is an insurance company with deep pockets.

Who should live and who should die should not depend on who has enough money to pay for medical care. We should be equally upset about this whether the person is denied coverage for acme, asthma, AIDS, a genetic disease, or domestic violence. Life is sacred and all society is responsible for maintaining it.

Unfortunately the two blogs went a bit further and insisted that the outrage was outrageous because denying insurance to an asthma sufferer and domestic violence survivor were morally equivalent. The post concludes “What justification is there for acting as though these practices are any worse than the practice of denying coverage to women who have lupus? There isn’t any that isn’t rooted in a deeply ableist bias.”

Hurling accusations of bias and saying that denying coverage for an inherited disease or domestic violence are morally equivalent fails miserably in respecting the trauma and moral significance of violent crime. Asthma, acme, AIDS, and a genetic disease are no-fault disabilities, unless we want to blame fate or God. On the other hand, domestic violence, is anything but no-fault.

First there is the choice of the abuser to abuse. If we argue that the abuser is a product of his circumstances and didn’t know better, then we shift the burden on society. Society failed to do enough to change the circumstances. Government and charitable institutions, as agent of society, must therefore be responsible. Whether we blame the abuser, the government, or charitable institutions, there are human agents that are responsible for what happened.

Domestic violence does increase health costs, particularly for women. As long as insurers are expected to make a profit on their risk pool, they will have to exclude or charge high premiums to high risk individuals. The moral offense isn’t that it costs more to insure a domestic violence survivor. The moral offense lies in who is expected to pay for that increased cost. Charging a person for a purely medical pre-existing condition is charging an innocent. Charging a victim of domestic violence for the extra cost isn’t just charging an innocent, it is charging the wrong person.

This is the kind of injustice we ought to recognize from elementary school days. From the time we are very little we are taught to take responsibility for our actions. If we spill milk, we clean it up. If we hit a baseball through a window we pay to repair the window. The one person who is not responsible is the victim. Yet in the case of medical insurance in the USA, the victim, the one person not responsible, is the only person being charged.

When insurers charge high premiums or deny coverage to the victim, they are making the victim pay twice for the abuser’s crime: first with bodily injury and second with having to pay for the increased risk posed by the abuser’s violence.

After the bru-ha-ha, the Democratic party pledged that the current medical reform bill would ban insurers from denying coverage based on crime victim status, but a simple ban, doesn’t solve the economic problem. The insurers still need a way to pay for the increased cost of coverage. Once again we have a case of one cause blinding us to another.

Unfortunately we have no mechanism for making the abuser or even the government pay for the economic costs of medical care due to domestic violence. Insurers therefore charge the easiest target: the one actually needing medical care, rather than the one morally responsible for the increased medical risk. They will provide coverage, but at a higher cost to the victim.

Victims of domestic violence aren’t the only people that suffer increased premiums due to another person’s wrongful behavior. People with black lung from their workplace have successfully sued their employers. People whose mobility were permanently impaired from an auto-accident can and have sued for lifetime medical costs.

In theory, a victim could sue her attacker in civil court. However, a lawsuit is useless if the defendent doesn’t have funds to pay the judgment. Employers and drivers have liability insurance that cover the cost of any financial damages. Spouses don’t usually carry liability coverage in case their abusive activities get them into trouble. Unless the abuser is especially wealthy, he isn’t likely to have the funds. Furthermore, domestic partners often have children, so suing a domestic abuser with limited resources takes funds from the same pool as child support.

Even if the defendant has money, not every lawsuit is the gold mine portrayed by the media. All too often negligence and personal damage suits are settled out of court for much smaller sums. After lawyers and out-of-pocket legal expenses are paid, there is little left from the settlement but vindication.

Only one state in the USA, Illinois, has a law requiring that convicted abusers and criminals pay lifetime medical costs for their victims, The Michelle Eppel law (Public Act 94-397) . But even this law has its limits. The state does not step in if on-going medical expenses are beyond the ability of the offender to pay. Additionally, the law only covers the actual cost of treatment for the injuries inflicted by the abuser. It does not compensate the victim for higher overall insurance premiums.

Justice is not just about focusing attention on a cause or the avoidance of victim blaming. Justice first and foremost is about creating a right balance in the world. We cannot achieve justice by looking at one cause to the exclusion of others.

This post is posted in honor of International Woman’s Day, March 8

Four months ago (November, 2009) a young woman, Nofrat Frankel, was arrested because she prayed wrapped in cloth that had knots and tassels on each corner. Like any living religious tradition, there are a variety of subgroups in Judaism, each with its own understanding of what the tradition is. Not all Christians are Catholic; not all Jews are ultra-orthodox; not all Muslim are Sunni. The woman was arrested because one group of Jews decided for all others, that women can not pray in this cloth.

Women reading torah, wearing a variety of tallitot

Women wearing tallitot, reading Torah (Yael Katzir, from the documentary: Praying in her own voice)

In Jewish tradition the cloth, known as a tallit, is a symbol of God’s protective presence (Psalms 91:1). At each of the four corners hang knots and tassles that remind us of our responsibilities to act with mercy, justice, and humility in the world. (Micah 6:8). In Judaism, prayer stands between action in the world and relationship to God in our hearts. The cloth fittingly wraps and embraces the body, the tool we use, both to act in the world and to bend and flex in prayer to relate to heaven.

Once upon a time, this cloth, the tallit, was worn only by men. In the last thirty years, women have become more and more insistent on finding ways to pray that connect body and soul, belief and the practicalities, public life and personal responsibility. Jewish women from both liberal and traditionalist communities have begun adopting the tallit as their own. The traditional male version of the tallit is a white strip of cloth with either black or dark blue stripes at either end. Although some women wear the traditional men’s tallit, many women have experimented a great deal and opt for either colorful and rather feminine versions or a simple white on white striped cloth.

Clearly the group doing the opposing thinks they are in the right. They do not see themselves as denying the value of women or their prayers. In their eyes, the women wearing the tallit simply weren’t praying!

In the news articles and comments immediately after the arrest, one could read many such excuses: they wear tallitot as a fashion statement; they are ignorant; they can’t really mean it. But it isn’t just the rabble that gather around the comments of on line news that say this. Even the esteemed Rabbi Ovadiah Yosef, former Chief Rabbi of Israel, discounts the sincerity of the women’s prayers at the wall: “These are deviants who serve equality, not Heaven. They must be condemned and warned of.” A month later, when women gathered again for Rosh Hodesh services, some of whom were wearing tallitot, a group of ultra-orthodox hurled accusations of “Nazis” and “not Jews”

Selichot - Night prayers (Anna Kocherovsky)

Doubting the sincerity of a woman’s prayers is nothing new. In the biblical book of Samuel, Eli himself had similar things to say about Hannah, accusing her of being drunk, when in fact she was pouring out her heart to God. But Eli merely rebuked Hannah. When she explained herself he listened with compassion and told her “Go in peace and may the God of Israel grant your petition”. Hannah’s answered prayer was the birth of her son Samuel. When grown, Samuel anointed David as king. Year later, Samuel rebuked David when, as king, David abused his power to make love to Bathsheba. Hannah’s “drunken prayer” gave birth to courage, justice, and empowerment.

Unlike Eli, Ovadiah Yosef and those protesting in news article comments did not listen with compassion. Hannah is considered the true model of prayer by both traditional and liberal Jews. Judaism loves to take lofty ideals and capture them in ritual actions, but there is no formal rule of conduct in Judaism that prohibits women from praying with a tallit. The inability to listen with compassion therefore must come from something deeper and far more concerning: a hardening of the heart of one person against another.

A hardening of the heart. Judaism is a religion built around trauma and recovery: the trauma of slavery in Egypt and the joy of rescue; captivity in Babylon and the rebirth of Jerusalem and the Temple under Nehemiah; the fall of the second Temple and the rise of a rich rabbinic culture in Europe and North Africa; the Holocaust and the re-establishment of a Jewish state.

In each of these stories a hard heart plays a central role. The hard heart of Pharaoh brought 10 plagues on Egypt and the loss of his own first born son. The hard heart of Jews towards the widow and orphan caused Jews to lose the first Temple. Baseless hatred, a hardened heart of one Jew towards another, caused Jews to lose the second Temple.

Hannah Frank - The Garden

The Garden (Hannah Frank, 1932)

At the heart of all trauma, for Jew and non-Jew is a hard heart. The world over, when we value power and privilege over compassion we, like Pharaoh, can become self-destructive. When we ignore other’s needs because we ourselves are comfortable, we, like the ancient citizens of Judah, destroy our societies ability to defend itself against outside threats. When we place certainty in our own rightness over respect for honest differences of opinion and the sincerity of our peers and neighbors, we lose the center of holiness, the Temple, within our own lives.

At the heart of injustice to women is a refusal to learn the lessons of person-on-person trauma. At the heart of injustice to women is a hard heart. The lure of privilege overwhelms compassion. The satisfaction of having our own needs met makes us blind to the vulnerable and needy. At the heart of injustice to women is certainty: certainty that all women’s needs are met; or failing that, certainty that all women who suffer are either rare tragic victims of chance or else ultimately to blame for being inadequate daughters, wives, or mothers.

The tallit symbolizes the transformation of heavenly respect into day to day action. It is the bridge between the heart and the world. There is no better symbol to fight over when it comes to the matter of justice for women.

It is a story none of us would ever want to live, from rising media star to crime victim to survivor on a mission. Katie Piper has started a foundation, The Katie Piper Foundation, to advocate for burn victims, but the road to its creation was anything but easy.

In mid March, 2008 media personality and rising model Katie Piper began dating a man she had met through Facebook. He seemed like a wonderful match, and she even called her mother to tell her how happy she was. But two weeks later More »