In mid March, 2008 media personality and rising model Katie Piper began dating a man she had met through Facebook. He seemed like a wonderful match, and she even called her mother to tell her how happy she was. But two weeks later when they finished a night of partying in London in a hotel room, he beat her, raped her, and held her hostage for 8 hours.

She managed to persuade him to release her by promising that they could continue to see each other. Like many women, she decided not to report, fearing that the police would discount her story since she voluntarily went to a hotel room with him. Even when she had to go to the hospital to get stitches for a head wound, she made up a story to explain her injuries to emergency room personnel.

Once home, she refused to leave her apartment. He continued to contact her and eventually persuaded her to go out to a local internet cafe to check her email. On her way to the cafe she saw a beggar with a cup. As she reached in her purse to put money in the’s beggar cup, he threw the cup at her. It was full of acid.

In 2009 Channel 4 in the UK used her story as its “Alternative to the Queen’s Christmas Message”. The six part documentary can be seen here: 1 2 3 4 5 6. Titled “My Beautiful Face”, it chronicles both her medical and emotional journey towards healing. It closes with her reflections fourteen months after the attack: “I want to break free and be my own person. Obviously I have days, weeks, months where it is really hard and I don’t see a future. But then I have this inner thing, where I say, no, I’m going to do this, get back to normality. I did have these terrible attacks. I do look totally different physically, but I want to be the woman that got through that and is now living.” She is a woman on a journey, but clearly the journey has only begun.

Katie Piper, before and after (ABC News)

In the documentary, the beautiful face is backwards looking.   The documentary begins with slides and videos of her former career and face. Early on she looks through pictures and jokes about how she feels like a 60 year old woman reminiscing about her younger days when she was a sexy young thing. She laments midway through the documentary that the scars on her face make her feel “owned” by her attacker.

Two months after the close of “My Beautiful Face” she is interviewed by Sky TV and “My Beautiful Face” appears to have taken on new meaning.  She says:  “The title of the documentary is ‘My Beautiful Face’ and I think my face is beautiful and tells a story and I’m very happy with it.”

My face tells a story… there are few statements more compelling. Each of our faces tells a story. Our beauty comes not from the features of our face, but the way we wear them and the story they tell.

Katie Piper’s willingness to share her story is an important counterbalance to media’s incessant focus on perfect complexions, perfect curves, sexy poses, and near weightlessness. This is not joyous sexuality, but driven sexuality. Sexuality driven by money, fear, and a deep sense of unworth. In 2007, the APA put out a report examining how the media’s focus on sexual attractiveness affects the development of girls. It found that rather than generate joy and self-confidence, it was producing depression, low self-worth, and eating disorders.

Its primary recommendation to parents was to teach their daughters to value themselves for who they are and not how they look.   Parents can make a huge difference, but it isn’t enough.   To be whole we need to look beyond parents, out to society and backwards through the generations. We need stories both past and present to remind us that beauty can come from within as well as from without.   Looking out to society it is important to see women like Katie Piper who can find beauty in the story their faces tell. Looking back in history we need stories like the story of Purim, a Jewish holiday celebrated every spring.

Vashti sent away (Marc Chagall)

The Purim story tells of two women: Queen Vashti who based her life on beauty defined by men and Queen Esther who based her life on a beauty within her. Vashti bargained for love by agreement and sexual compliance with the men around her. One day she had enough. When her husband asked her to dance naked not only in front of him, but also the entire court, she balked. But since her relationship was based only on compliance and the king had all the power, she was banished for her refusal. Vashti’s story is the story of every woman who has believed she had no value of her own and can only win love by bending to the needs of others, including their sexual needs.

After her death, the king sought a new wife and sent out a call for virgins to be brought to his household. Among the virgins was a certain Esther. Esther wasn’t willing to be measured only by her external beauty. She worked on creating a relationship with the king. She consulted with the head of the concubines to understand what the king needed and was willing to give. She asked for no more than he was willing to give and payed attention to what he needed. The king fell in love, chose her first among the virgins, and made her his Queen. Even after this she continue to build the relationship based on her intelligence and sensitivity to others. When there were whispers of a coup, she told him the names of the instigators.

Queen Esther revealing her true identity (Lilian Broca)

What a difference building a relationship based on one’s personality rather than one’s looks makes! Eventually a political leader, Haman, arises that sees Esther’s uncle and Esther’s entire ethnic group, the Jews, as a political liability and he sets out to destroy them. He even convinces the king to pass a decree to kill all the Jews. Her uncle sends a message to Esther asking for her help.

Esther is in a predicament. The king has not asked for her presence in 30 days and approaching the king unbidden could mean death. Esther approaches him anyway. The king is so in love with Esther that he cares nothing for protocol and offers her anything up to half the kingdom. For three days running Esther invites the king and Haman to a banquet. On the third day she reveals that Haman’s death decree will include her.   The king nullifies the decree and kills Haman instead.

Esther was beautiful within and without. She could be bold and break the rules because she understood that her real power was not in her face or her naked body but in her soul: her sensitivity to the needs of others, her connections and intelligence, even her boldness.

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All women should feel that safe with their bodies. Sadly, even 30 or more years of anti-rape activism, few women feel either freedom or joy in their sexuality.  Still far too many people believe that a woman “is asking for it” if she dresses or dances suggestively. According to a survey of Londonners (UK) recently publicized by the BBC, more than half presumed that a woman must at least partly to blame if she was raped. 16% (28% of 56%) of respondents believed a woman is at least partly at fault for rape if she wears provacative clothes, 12% (21% of 56%) if she dances in a provocative fashion.

12% doesn’t sound like much, but the numbers are shocking if we plug in an individual name or consider other crimes. If Shakira were raped after she walked off of the stage, apparently 12% believe she would be partly to blame. If Shakira were murdered after she walked off of the stage, would 12% believe she was partly to blame? If she were blown up by a suicide bomber, would 12% believe she was partly to blame?

Of course not. Part of the reason behind the different perceptions is that sex and rape use the same physical equipment. Sex is good. Rape is bad. How can one thing be at both ends of the spectrum? One possibility is that our discussions of sexual ethics tend to be entirely focused on permissible and impermissible acts, rather than permissible and impermissible ways of relating. We focus on the equipment used for sex rather than the quality of relationship that distinguishes it from rape.

When we focus on acts and equipment, then the only thing that separates sex and rape is the psychological state of consent and perception of consent. Psychological states are hard to prove, so it is very easy for doubt and blame to creep in.

But if we turn our attention to relationship rather than acts, then the difference is obvious. The difference between rape and sex is mutuality, not consent. Concern for mutuality is much easier to observe, because it exists after the fact. It shapes our failures as well as our successes.

A person whose concern is mutuality acts and speaks quite differently. When such a person makes a genuine mistake they say: “I’m so sorry. I misunderstood. I misjudged. I didn’t take care to make sure you wanted this as much as I did. How can I make it up to you? What do you need to heal?” Rapists self-justify. They find every reason possible for saying their actions are right or at least excusable. And even when they apologize, they refuse to acknowledge damage is done and expect the other person to just “get over it”. Since they didn’t mean it, there should be no consequences.

A person whose concern is mutuality seeks to improve their skills for judging when consent exists. They avoid making complex decisions when they are drunk or when they have only shallow knowledge of a person. They avoid jumping to conclusions based on externals: clothing, dancing, singing, even flirtatious behavior. They know that appearances can be deceiving. Mutuality comes from the heart, and can only be measured by the heart. A rapist will continue to point to the outside, never understanding that he or she forgot to measure the heart before proceeding.

A person whose concern is mutuality understands that sex, like dance, requires constant attention to your partner. In dance it is never enough to pay attention to the first step. To keep together and avoid stepping on toes dancers must pay attention to each and every step there after. The minute one stops, the dance stops. Period.

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