Today, I gave a student of mine a little pamphlet I received a number of years ago called “Megillat HaShoah” The Holocaust Megillah. I explained to her how uncomfortable I am about the ritualization of something that is so personal — almost all my uncles, aunts, cousins and two grandparents from Trochenbrod/Lozhist and Luck (Lutzk) were killed in the Shoah (Holocaust). My parents barely made it out alive, staying one step ahead of the Nazis for the better part of the war.

Yet, as I read the posts today from othe people, and as I was confronted by my own 2 small children with questions about the Shoah, I realized that maybe there is something to ritualizing the memory of the Shoah.

But I would suggest another route.

I think we should take our ritual cues from the Passover seder. The entire seder is built around explaining to kids the history and the significance of slavery and the freedom that came after so many years of suffering. We ritually re-enact our slavery and we celebrate our liberation (We even spill a little wine in respect for the suffering of the Egyptians, though I don’t think I can do this just yet.)

Perhaps we need a Holocaust “seder” — a formal setting where we allow the children to ask the questions, and provide them with the answers — there are plenty of answers for every type of question from every type of child, including the one who doesn’t know how to ask.

Lest you think I am being cavalier about all this, remember that there is a Midrash that recounts how 80% of the Hebrew population died in Egypt before the Exodus — that’s four out of five! Yet we celebrate Passover as a national holiday. By the same token, we shouldn’t forget that in Israel the commemoration of the Shoah is called Yom Hashoah veHagevurah — Holocaust and Empowerment day. Every time I put on Tefillin, turn on the radio, learn with my kids or just walk the streets of Jerusalem I see the Jewish people overcoming the Nazi terror, going through the crucible and emerging, refined.

How do I explain the Holocaust to my kids? The same way as I do the Passover exodus. We were slaves. Now we are free. Do we become like our oppressors or do we rise above them?

Let’s go learn.

Sid Slivko is a rabbi and Jewish educator living in Jerusalem, Israel

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The video to the left features three generations of a Melbourne family – a holocaust survivor, his daughter, and his grandchildren dancing on the grounds of concentration camps across Europe and in front of synagogues and signs of Jewish life across Europe. Full of joy and determination they are accompanied by Gloria Gaynor’s song “I will Survive”. In the final moments Gaynor’s song merges with Leonard Cohen’s “Dance Me to the End of Love”. It was produced by his daughter, Australian artist Jane Korman.

The video is the first in a three part series: the second shows her dancing as a child with her father and other family members to the tune of Leonard Cohen’s “Dance Me to the End of Love”. The final video interviews Adolek Kohn playing his memories of the train ride to Auschwitz begging for water against his joyous return so many years later with grandchildren, a trip few ever had a chance to make:

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic ’til I’m gathered safely in …
Dance me to the children who are asking to be born
Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn
Raise a tent of shelter now, though every thread is torn
Dance me to the end of love (Leonard Cohen, 1984)

Kohn’s daughter who produced the video, explains that she had noticed that people had become numb to the word “Holocaust”. She wanted a fresh way to get people thinking about the Holocaust. Later when the video created controversy, she asked her parents how they felt about the negative reactions. He said “We came from the ashes – now we dance.”. “I came with my grandchildren… I don’t know how many people can come with their grandchildren because most of them are dead.”

The video series first published in the summer of 2010, created some controversy and a wide range of responses. For some it shifted their understanding. For others it was a sign of hope. For others a sign of disrespect.

thats seriously amazing. Its so empowering. That survivor went back to where he watched hundreds of thousands of people died and danced with his grandchildren, I think its just an amazing example of the power of the human spirit ( bhawk911 on Youtube )

I think the main thing that this video challenged in my ideas was the notion that Auschwitz is a grave site. It isn’t. It’s a crime scene. Those are two very different things. ( iwoj on You Tube )

I think this display at the site of extreme horror for many Jews is mistaken and a desecration. It is wonderful that Mr. Kohn survived, but there are many others that seek to destroy the Jews and it is a mockery of those who succumbed. (Facts Life on DebbieSchlussel.com )

Some fellow Holocaust survivors were also offended. “It seems to trivialize the horrors that were committed,” said Kamil Cwiok, 86. “I don’t see how this video is a mark of respect for the millions who didn’t survive or for those who did.”

The range of responses should not be surprising. There is no such thing as a simple response to the kind of evil presented by the Holocaust. The potential for evil must not be forgotten. The dead deserve to be honored. The living deserve to rejoice and underscore the failure of those who tried to harm them, most especially by transforming the very sites where the horror took place.

Judaism has often struggled with the conflicting dynamic beween acknowledging evil and refusing to let it have the final word. In Jewish tradition the trecherous Amalek and Haman are supposed to have their names blotted out forever. Yet each year Jews remember them by remembering their oblivion. How? By turning it into a celebration. On Purim, children and adults dress up in clothes that deliberately mock the normal roles and conventions of life. In synagogue, every time the name of Haman is mentioned during the reading of the Purim story (book of Esther) it is drown out by loud noises – groggers, table pounding, cymbals and other loud noises – at once both remembering and forgetting.

There is also precedent in Jewish tradition for dancing at graves, as strange as the idea may seem. Each year at Rosh HaShanna, followers of Rabbi Nachman of Bratslav gather in Uman to spend the holiday in the presence of this holy story teller and Hassidic leader. Rabbi Nachman taught that joy was a pathway to God, so his followers dance in his name through the streets and even at his grave.

To have died in the Holocaust is to become a holy person, a tzaddik. To dance near and at the graves of those who did not survive acknowledges that their martyrdom was not without cause, that their courage will never be forgotten. We live in the shadow of their holiness. We must not forget. At least some of those for whom the murdered died live on and continue to thrive in their name. Is there any better way to remember?

How would you wish to be remembered if your life had been stolen from you? If your loved ones’ had?

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Raising Awareness

• Anny Jacoby writes that Teens Face More Consequences from Sexting than Congressmen Do! reflects on the way laws against electronic transmission of images are being used against teens. In some states, prosecutors have charged teens who text images of themselves with transmitting child pornography. Students who send the images to others can end up 70 or more such charges, one for each person on their male list. Both can end up on sexual offender lists. She also tells the story of Allyson Pereira who paid a terrible price in terms of bullying. Pereira is now is educating students about sexting and trying to change laws that leave teens with heavy legal consequences for an impulsive or accidental act.

Publicity and Milestones

• Angela Rose. Activist Angela Rose, founder of PAVE, talks with ABC News about PAVE, the organization she founded, and the kidnapping and sexual assault that turned her into an activist. PAVE is celebrating its 10^th anniversary this year. Its name stands for “Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment”
• The Angel Band Project. At the end of May, the founders of the Angel Band Project were keynote speakers at the 2011 SART (Sexual Assault Response Team) conference in Austin, Texas. The Angel Band Project was started as a creative musical response to the rape and murder of Theresa Butz. Her family and friends created a benefit CD of original cover songs. They donating royalties from the CD will be donated to the Voices and Faces Project.
• Maria DiBari‘s Tri-County Crisis Center (TCCC) has received a grant from Verizon Wireless. The center will provide services to domestic violence victims regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Male and LGBT victims often lack services and TCCC wants to address that issue. Maria DiBari is a survivor of domestic violence. Her experience opened her eyes to gaps in services and she has been advocating for legal reform and solutions to service gaps since 2008.

Collaboration

• Alexis A. Moore from Survivors in Action and Maria DiBari from Tri-County Crisis Center (TCCC) are working together to improve GPS monitoring in Dutchess County, NY, USA. They are also working together to help domestic violence survivors get free reconstructive surgery for injuries casued by domestic battering.
• Betty Makoni from the Girl Child Network will be speaking at the London event of the first ever Global “Walk A Mile In Her Shoes”® Day on June 19. This day is a joing project of The Pixel Project and Venture Humanity. There will be events around the globe to raise money and encourage men to work together to prevent domestic violence. Venture Humanity will raise money through “Walk a Mile in Her Shoes” events. This is a march where men where men do their best to walk literally in women’s shoes, i.e. pumps and high heels. A admission fee is charged to each man, depending on where they march. In Kuala Lumpur it is US$ 12. In London it is US$ 25. The Pixel Project will raise money through its Celebrity Male Role Model Pixel Reveal campaign. This campaign will raise US $1,000,000 for domestic violence by drawing a million pixel picture of four mystery male role models. Each time someone donates US$ 1, a dot will be added to the picture.

Volunteering

• Erin Merryn, who advocates for teaching young people how to recognize and react to sexual abuse, is spending the week as a camp counsellor working with abused children in foster care.

Calls to Action

• The Office of the Inspector General of the Peace Corps is conducting a review of procedures for handling sexual assault. They are requesting that survivors of sexual or physical violence while serving as a Peace Corps Volunteer, please contact the OIG at OIG@peacecorps.gov to share your experience. For more information, see First Response Action. First Response Action is a coaliation of former Peace Corps volunteers who were sexually assaulted during their service.
• In 2008 a cheerleader at Silsbee High School in Texas was raped by one of the members of her schools basketball team. After the rape she participated in all basketball game cheers, but she refused to shout out the alleged rapist’s name. The school kicked her off the team and her family sued. After three years of legal battles she lost her suit and was ordered to pay the schools legal fees to the tune of $45,000. The alleged rapist had not yet been indicted at the time she refused to cheer, so the court ruled that the suspension from the team was legitimate.

  Change.org has put up a petition asking that the school waive the legal fees and set up a proper policy so that students don’t have to cheer the name of a student they allege has raped them. Please visit the site if you would like to sign it.

  If you would like to donate to a fund to offset the legal fees, you can visit http://www.helpthecheerleader.com/ .

Religious protest

• Linda Fossen, a survivor of CSA, but also a Christian, writes a post explaining why Jesus should use the church for defamation of character.
• Karenp@RealGrace, another christian survivor of CSA, writes a post challenging superficial understandings of the idea that “God is behind every trial”. She argues that trials that are a by-product of human wrong doing cannot simply be brushed off as the handiwork of God and we need to understand God’s ability to bring good out of these situations in a different way. See “Is God Behind Every Trial?”.

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Unfortunately in all of the uproar, Gabrielle Union rather than her message became the focus. Her message was this: we need to talk about rape and Rihanna’s video is getting the conversation going. She expressed understanding but not approval for the solution to rape portrayed in Rihanna’s video, “Man Down”. In a series of tweets posted on June 4, 2011, she wrote (abbreviations expanded for readability):

Saw “Man Down” by @rihanna. Every victim/survivor of rape is unique, including how they THINK they’d like justice to be handed out.

During my rape I tried 2 shoot my rapist, but I missed. Over the years I realized that killing my rapist would have added insult to injury. The DESIRE to kill someone who abused or raped you is understandable, but unless it is self defense in the moment to save your life, just add to your troubles. I repeat SELF DEFENSE to save or protect yourself, I’m ALL for. Otherwise victim/survivor takinf justice into your own hands with violence equals more trouble for YOU!!

#mandown video did a GREAT job of getting the ENTIRE world TALKING about RAPE. I hope that it leads to HEALING and PREVENTS RAPE . Rape, Abuse, Incest and so many other forms of voilence against women/children is ignored by so many. I wish they would listen.

Replying to mz_obika’s question “you were raped? Uh? By who?” and to GUnionFanPage, she concludes the series of tweets with her own story:

Stranger who robbed the store I worked at. He put his gun down during the rape and asked me. Had it to him. I hope this can help people. To hear @itsgabrielleu’s story go to: http://oprah.com/oprahradio/surviving-sexual-assault-audio .

Gabrielle Union was 19 when a thief attacked and raped her in addition to robbing the shoe store during summer job where she was working. During rape he put the gun down. He put gun down and then asked her to hand it to him. Instead she grabbed the gun and did her best to try to kill and stop him, shot him but missed, then they fought over the gun, he beat her severely, threatened to kill her, and he fled. This story is not new

In the years since she has engaged in a mix of healing action and advocacy. She describes healing as a “life long journey” and takes care of herself with therapy. She visits rape crisis centers to talk about her story and offer support and encouragement to fellow survivors. She has also been outspoken about issues connected to rape. Her goal is to one day not hear “Me too” when she goes out on speaking engagements.

Her advocacy work is not limited to victims. In June, 2009 she testified before the US Senate Judiciary Committee in support of the Violence Against Woman Act. She spoke of the difference it made to have been raped in a district with a well funded and well trained police department and victim support services. She also discussed the linkage between strong victim support services and successful prosecutions. In her conversations with law enforcement, she found that police don’t have the time nor training to help victims make the transition to survivor. Victims make poor witnesses, but survivors make great ones. They need well funded rape crisis centers to take up the slack so rapists can be more effectively taken off the streets.

After the Richmond high school gang rape in October, 2009, Gabrielle Union wrote a commentary piece for the Global Grind expressing dismay at the way race and socioeconomic issues have been used to explain away a brutal gang rape. The real issue is social tolerance for violence against women. She wrote:

Maybe I have just seen every kind of rapist and survivor — every race, color, religion, socio-economic status group — it’s all the same, a lack of regard for violence against women. Tolerated, and in this case encouraged by the mob surrounding the perps … laughing, joking and taking pics.

Unfortunately very few of the blogs and news reports about her tweets focused on her advocacy work or the problem of rape. Many thought it was the first time she had admitted to the shooting attempt during the rape. In fact it was part of her Senate testimony and her interview with Dr. Laura Berman on Oprah radio in 2009. Countless blogs, talk shows, and news outlets crowed some version of “Gabriel Union reveals ‘I tried to shoot my rapist’”.

Others thought that Union was validating the video or revenge shooting by pointing out her own story. In fact she was contrasting her story with that told by Rihanna’s song, “Man Down”. “Man Down” tells the story of a woman who is raped in a dance club and then reacts much later by following the rapist to the train station and shooting him in the middle of the crowd where she could have endangered others. The song discusses both the shooting and her regrets after the fact as she reflects on the significance of murder.

Rihanna’s video man down tells a very different story about rape than Gabrielle Union’s. Gabrielle Union’s shooting attempt was, as she says in her tweet, self-defense in the heat of the moment. Union identifies with the story all the same because she, like many rape victims, have had to consider using lethal force.

It is easy to fantasize about revenge when we don’t have the option, but the reality of taking a life or even seriously considering it, is much different. As Rihanna’s rape victim says “Could’ve been somebody’s son And I took his heart when I pulled out that gun”.

Speaking from my own experience as a rape survivor, the very fact one had to make such a choice is painful even when it is well justified. The violation of rape puts one in touch with the sacredness of one’s own life at the very moment one is considering the possibility of terminating another’s life. Whether in self defense or revenge, one cannot but be aware that all life is sacred.

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Whether one is a survivor or simply has a passionate vision for change, the first step in turning that vision into reality is to define a set of concrete goals and support them with an action plan.

The following “10 commandments” of goal setting are based on a list provided by Jamie Mintun. Management and motivational literature often like to speak rhetorically so lists of 3, 7 or 10 so this is only one of many such lists. However, Mintun’s list gets high marks for its blend of both emotional and practical aspects of goal setting.

The commentary on each goal reflects a variety of research on psychological and management aspects of goal setting, coupled with insights from survivors who have been the target of cruel or inhuman behavior.

1. Thou shalt be passionate. Follow your heart so you have energy for the long haul. Rape survivor Jamie Mintun writes:
   

   More powerful than any goal you set is the passion you have for what you want, what you do, and who you are. Ever notice that you set goals for the things you don’t want to do, but feel you must do? Yet the activities you absolutely relish somehow get done on their own…

   Too many businesses perish in the absence of the passion that birthed them… you cannot lose sight of what you’re here for. Know what fire burns bright in your chest… the warrior heart that beats for your cause. What do you stand for? What is the beauty you see in the world that you wish to share… and what is the suffering you seek to snuff out?

   Another rape survivor, Hayley Rose Horzepa, writes about the importance of holding onto passion even when it seems impractical:

   You can avoid doing things in the name of practicality for as long as you want… Nothing is easy, but when you are working toward something that you truly want, the end result will likely be more pleasant than if you are doing something because someone told you to “be practical.”

   If you’ve been spending your time on Earth avoiding your passion or what you love in favor of something more practical, you are not only cheating yourself but the world out of your greatness. Many people have sacrificed their deepest desires in the name of practicality, and if this is you, take some advice from Dr. Seuss: “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

2. Thou shalt be value driven. Values are the intellectual handmaiden of passion. Whereas passion gives us energy, values give us purpose. They provide the “why” behind the passion and connect our passion to the needs of others.

   An effective goal must stay consistent with core values. This includes the core values of everyone affected by the goal: you, those working along side you, anyone contributing resources or moral support, anyone benefiting from your project. Know who benefits from your goals, how they beneift, and why you and they care. If a goal does not have value for you, ditch it. If the goal involves others but does not have value for them, ditch it. The best goals marry our personal vision with the needs of others.

   For yourself , know why you care about those values and what you are willing to pay in order to make them happen. A value is a true value if you are not willing to give up other things for that value.For others, don’t just guess at what others want, ask. If you want to help a particular group of people, ask them what they need most.

   If there are other people doing work similar work to the work you want to do, think long and hard. Is your project adding value that others are not? Will you add more value working on your own or joining with an existing project? Even social vision have a market and it is important to understand the role of your project within the larger market of social services.

   If others are investing money or resources in you, ask them what value they hope to achieve. Are their goals consistent with yours? Do you have a common mission? Can you educate them to bring their goals and values in line with yours? If not, can you work with the tensions and still stay faithful to your own values and goals?

   Know your priorities. Pick a small number of high value goals rather than a long laundry list of things that you think “ought” to happen. Too many goals results in scattered unfocused effort.

   Finally, sometimes values come into conflict. Anticipate conflicts when you can. Know which goals and values matter most if you have to chose or compromise.

3. Thou shalt be realistic. Dream big but think practically about the resources, constraints, and needs required to get from A to B.

   Big visions can be accomplished, but they take strategy and planning. Break down your big vision into smaller achievable steps. Think hard about the relationship between each step. How does the current step goal make the next step goal possible? Identify a strategic staircase that will help you accumulate resources and remove constraints by building on past successes.It is important not to discount the importance of small incremental goals.

   A goal doesn’t have to make a big splash to be worth the effort. As Mike McBride writes (survivor of childhood abuse):

   It’s easy to look at the big picture of our lives, and decide that doing something small won’t really matter…. The more small accomplishments we get under our belts, the more our confidence grows, the more we learn and develop the small skills that will be beneficial for the larger challenges.

   Being successful and accomplishing goals is a learned skill set. You don’t suddenly learn how to make a plan, stick to it, adjust as needed, and reach your goal, overnight. You spend a lifetime learning and refining those skills. Why not start with small goals instead of overwhelming yourself at the start and giving up?

   The term “strategic staircase” is more than management buzz-speak. It was developed by London Business School professor Michael Hays as a way to describe how large companies were able to redirect and grow their business. If large companies with ample resources need to think step wise when they move into new terrority, how much more so, the individual survivor with a creative vision for social change?

4. Thou shalt be detailed. Develop concrete metrics to identify progress towards the goal. If the goal is large identify concrete intermediate accomplishments.

   Vague or overly broad goals will simply lead to frustration. You can’t measure your achievement so you can’t reward yourself. Without tangible results it will become increasingly hard to see the connection between your values and your goals. When goals become disconnected from passion, it is hard to maintain your energy and commitment. You will not be able to stick with things for the long haul.

   So how do you tell if a goal is detailed enough? Like a newspaper report, goals must have a who, what, when, and where. Who will be needed to reach the goal? What actions will take place? When must these actions take place? Where will these actions take place? How will I know when the actions are complete? What event or measurement will tell me this? What will I see, touch, taste or smell when the goal is accomplished? “Send emails to 5 people this coming week” is a concrete goal. “Increase website traffic by 5% by January, 2011″ is a concrete goal. “Reduce violence” is not.

   Together these first four commandments are sometimes summarized in the acronym S.M.A.R.T : Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time Specific. Relavance is another way of saying that goals must be tied to values and passion. Achievable underscores the importance of a realistic understanding of resource needs and the process of obtaining more resources for your vision. Specific, Measurable and Time Specific are three different ways of saying “Thou shalt be detailed”.

5. Thou shalt plan. A plan where realism and detail meet and are turned into action.

   Plans detail the actions needed to implement each step on the staircase that turns vision into reality. They should contain concrete measurable time bound mini-goals. They should list the actions that must be carried out to achieve those goals. They should name the resources needed by those actions and identify the sources for those resources.

   Plans should not be viewed as static entities. Rather they should be under a process of continuous evaluation. Expect the unexpected. Consider risk points and alternate paths should things go wrong. Expect to revise the plan as you go. Executing each step will bring new knowledge and unexpected circumstances. Do not be afraid to change your plan to take new insights and circumstances into account.

6. Thou shalt remain accountable. Put your plan in writing and share it with others. Set aside a regular time to review your plan and assess how well you are sticking to it. Encourage friends to remind you of your plan and help you to stay on track. Identify people who are willing to hold you accountable. Set aside to meet with them and discuss your progress.

   Accountability also means good stewardship. If your project involves the time and resources of others, it is especially important that you honor the purpose of their donations. Keep track of how resources are spent so you can show that you have used them well. When making major decisions involving the resources of others, avoid solo decision making. Even if your project is informal, identify people who are willing to act as a board of advisers to insure major decisions are consistent with the goals of everyone involved.

   Failure to do this can lose trust and damage even the most enthusiastic projects. Don’t let your vision die because you lost the trust of those who have helped you.

7. Thou shalt have fun. Sticking to plan doesn’t have to be dreary. Sometimes there is more than one way to reach the same end. We can’t always have fun at everything, but often we over look the possibilities. Let go and brainstorm: is there a fun and equally successful way to get to the next step? If so, go for it.

   Having fun also means rewarding yourself and those who work along side of you, as you reach each milestone. Without positive reinforcement along the way, it is hard to carry out a big vision to completion. Be proud of the small steps along the way.

   Finally, regardless of outcome, exercise good self-care. Research indicates that those who are exceptionally compassionate towards others tend to score lowest on measures of self care. Make sure you intentionally set aside time for things that relax you and remind you of your zest for life and the people you love most.

8. Thou shalt believe. Trust your plans and your ability to follow through.There is always a bit of hope and stretch in any important goal. If it were not so, then it wouldn’t be a goal. It would be history.

   One device for reinforcing belief is to state the goals in present tense. Instead of “I will do such-and-such within a year”, state “Dec, 2011. We have done such-and-such.”. The stated goal should be include sensory details and facts that prove the goal was accomplished. This includes the anticipated emotional responses of supporters: family, friends, board members, and so on.

   Don’t be deterred by setbacks. Even in the face of major setbacks, be prepared to look beyond the present challenge. Another rape survivor and motivational speaker, Jennifer Botkin Phillips, offers several tips that have helped her to live out the philosophy that “setbacks pave the way for comebacks“.

   Setbacks will happen but they don’t invalidate the goal or your possibility of achieving it. Examine the basis of each setback and self-doubt. If it is based on fact, develop a plan to address the limitation and move around it. If it is based on fear, explore that fear, find its roots, and question the thought processes and beliefs behind it.

9. Thou shalt seek support.Surround yourself with people who believe in you and who will hold you accountable.Do not be afraid to get other people involved.

   A vision can only grow when other people get involved and join you in making it their own.Even more important understand that supporters fall into at least two categories: (i) people who have resources but must be asked (ii) people who share your passion but don’t know what they can give. Be prepared to empower people and not just ask for their help.

10. Thou shalt not give up. Nothing important can be accomplished with a single deed. Be prepared to work over the long haul. Guard your passion and your sense of fun.

    • Reinforce your values and their connection to your goals. Being value driven is an on-going task. Set aside time daily or at least weekly to actively reflect on the values behind your goals. Why are they still important? How are the day to day practical tasks connected to your values?
    • Nuture your creativity. When faced with problems, seek out new ideas, both within and without. Internal means to seek new ideas include meditation and relaxation. External means to seek new ideas include books, articles, and conversation with others. Brainstorm about all the disciplines that might have valuable insights. If you are running an organization: look at materials on management. If you are involved in conscious raising, look at materials on marketing and find out what other organizations are doing to promote their causes. If you are providing meals, learn about new ideas in food service in general and not just non-profit food kitchens. Sometimes new ideas come out of the blue, but just as often they come when someone takes a good idea in one professional field and adapts it to work in another.
    • If you have a faith tradition that supports your goals, reflect on your traditions source texts and discuss your vision with your community. Religious traditions have often spent centuries or more struggling for the very things that you struggle with, but have not given up. Your tradition and faith community can provide both inspiration and a creative source for problem solving.
    • If your task is large set realistic intermediate goals and be sure to reward yourself when you meant them. Without midterm successes it will be far to easy for self-doubt to erode your motivation and passion.
    • Approach setbacks with pragmatism, not despair. Reevaluate your goals, but do not give up on the fact of having a goal. Our vision may change over time, but we must not stop working to convert vision into tangible reality.

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One Monday, my husband and I went to Tel Aviv. He had a meeting and I had things to read so I decided to travel with him from Jerusalem to keep him company. Then we went to dinner.

While he was in his meeting, I sat in a cafe outside the building, reading my book and drinking coffee. The couple at the table next to me left. A hooded crow flew down and perched on the back of the seat next to the table. His eyes moved back and forth, scanning, looking at me and looking at the table of half eaten food, coffee cups and jelly donuts with their red jam and white sugar. This went on for several minutes, back and forth, head turning, eye aimed right at me, and then at the food. Then he hopped off the chair onto the pavement, hopped around a bit, and flew off.

Across the plaza were two pillars. On top of one stood a young boy. On top of the other stood a girl. They were half facing each other. A few minutes later, another hooded crow flew into the plaza, this time landing on the head of the boy. He looked around and flew off.

Behind the pillars were three flag poles. The one nearest to me and most easily visible had a flag of Japan, land of the rising sun. A third crow flew into the plaza and perched on top of the pole flying the Japanese flag, a large red ball on a white background, and then left.

Dusk was falling. Behind the flag poles was a park with large dark trees with broad canopies, a rarity in Israel. Minutes went by without a crow, but then I saw a lone crow fly from one tree to another in the shadows of the park. I wondered about the connections between the four birds, but could see nothing.

By that point it was getting too dark to read so I went into the lobby of the building. The lobby was filled with several large statues of modern art. It has been a while since I’ve sat in the lobby of a building in the business district. I sat watching the tailored suits and felt as if I missed that world slightly. For me, it represents a path once taken and abandoned I feel a certain sadness. I miss the feeling of competence and control, but there is something about that world that has always seemed false. Some part of me is like a raven wanting to fly in and peck away at all the pretenses.

What struck me at first was the contrast between self-possessed men and women walking through the lobby in their tailored suits and the statues, which all seemed to be symbols of vulnerability: a mother with a child, two men wrestling, two large vases on a coffee table in the shape of tear drops or wombs, a beam sticking out from the mezzanine above with a maiden perched on the end as if walking the plank, and an odd looking sculpture that looked like a sea anemone from the depths of the sea where only bathyspheres go.

Then I got up and started walking around. There were many other sculptures. Next to the sea anemone was a pair of outstretched arms holding a bronze expanse and a striving arm grasping at a golden ball. Further back in the lobby was a bronze sculpture that looked part mushroom and part grinding pestle. And way in the back was a semi-circle of sculptures. One of these looked like the squat big beaked raven sometimes found on top of totem poles.

It was titled, “HaHitpartzut HaRishonah”, the first break-out. And then it hit me, the sculptures weren’t sculptures of vulnerability, but of different kinds of power. The maiden on the plank was also the mermaid leading sailors to safety or Athena leading soldiers to battle. The mother and child were the power of nurturing, The vases were the power of tears and creativity. The men wrestling were now clearly Jacob wrestling with an angel, symbols of our search for blessing from above and justice here below. The sea anemone was the power of originality and invention; the arms outstretched, the power of inclusion; the arms reaching for the golden ball, the power of striving and persistence.

The hooded crows had also been pointing out power: food: the power of sustenance and meeting basic needs; the pavement stones of the plaza: the power of groundedness; the boy and girl: the power of relationships; the flag poles: the power of society, politics and nations; the woods beyond: the power of the unconscious.

I have always feared that strength would crowd out love and increase the risk of evil. What all of these forms of power around me helped me see was that there are many, many different kinds of power. The evil associated with power does not lie in power itself, but in using the wrong sort of power in the wrong situation. Only power misplaced oppresses and destroys. Power rightly applied heals and transforms. Ultimately, it is our choice of power that creates either evil or good.

Rape convinced me that I lost all power. I was told by detectives, crisis hotline counsellors, a therapist, and even the director of a rape crisis center what an incredible job I did defending myself. And yet I could not stop rape. For years I couldn’t conceive of a way that I could regain a belief in the effectiveness of my own actions.

The ravens tell me otherwise. Powerlessness was a lie. They showed me that the only power rape took from me was physical power. On a street in Tel-Aviv I learned that our survival and creativity is never dependent on only one type of power. Take one away from us, and there are still so many others to try.

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Credit: Al_HikesAZ @ Flickr.com

We’ve been on hiatus so this week’s roundup will include a few tidbits from earlier in the year and not just the last week.

Survivor artists, writers and activists

Anne Jacoby

• Expresses her opinions of two recent rape cases in new york city: the failure to convict two police officers of raping a drunk woman whom they were supposed to be escorting home and the media reaction to the Strauss-Kahn case.
• She has also trained as a facilitor for Darkness to Light‘s child sexual abuse prevention program.

Beth Fehlbaum

• her young adult book Hope in Patience continues to receive positive reviews from librarians. Fehlbaum’s book tell the story of a young woman recovering from a childhood sexual assault and is on the list of 2011YALSA Quick Pick for Reluctant Readers.

Erin Merryn

• On February 14, 2011, after many years of advocacy, Erin’s law was signed by the Governor of Illinois. We congratulate her and all who have worked along side of her on their efforts. The law ensures that school aged children will be educated about child sexual abuse prevention. Erin Merryn herself is a survivor of childhood sexual assualt. For her story and future plans,see her website.

Ginger Voight

• Tells the story of the first time she told her story of stranger rape at age 4 and contrasts that with the reception that Ben Stein gave the Strauss-Kahn story in the American Spectator.

Maria DiBari

• continues her coverage of issues with electric monitoring devices. In the past few weeks she has cross-posted a number of articles on this topic:
  • Dutchess and Ulster County: an inability to coordinate an electronic monitoring effort for a teen (NY, USA)
  • Predators roam free with out of date GPS tracking devices (Queensland, Australia)
• She has decided to start a non-profit calld Tri-Country Crisis Center which will work in partnership with Survivors in Action to address gaps in social support for survivors of domestic violence and stalking. For more, see here and here.

Wendy Blight

• Melisssa Taylor is leading an on-line bible study based on Wendy Blight’s book about her recovery from rape, Hidden Joy in a Dark Corner: The Transforming Power of God’s Story. The book chronicles how one woman’s faith and friendships helped her find healing and purpose in trauma.

Survivor founded organizations and projects

First Response Action, started by a group of Peace Corp volunteers who had been raped during their Peace Corp service, works to improve prevention and care for Peace Corp volunteers who have been assulted during their service.

• a newly created Peace Corp’s Volunteer Sexual Assault Panel.
• reviews and reflects on a Kojo Nnamdi show interview with the current director of the Peace Corp and subsequent comments.
• a New York times article covering their work: Peace Corp Volunteers Speak Out on Rape.

PAVE, started by Angela Rose, survivor of a knife-point abduction at 17. The organization encourages and empowers survivors to work towards the elimination of sexual violence.

• Security On Campus (SOC) and Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment (PAVE) are developoing a joint program Safe Campus, Strong Voices in response to the recent Campus Sexual Violence Elimination Act (SaVE) Act (S. 834/H.R. 2016) . For more information see the press release.

Survivors in Action is a project of Alexis A. Moore, a survivor of cyber-stalking. The organization focuses on raising awareness about domestic violence and stalking survivors who fall through the cracks. Recent activities include

• collaboration with Maria DiBari of Tri-County Crisis Center.
• A Parent’s Guid to Cyberstalking and Cyberbullying.
• an open letter to Lynn Rosenthal, White house advisor on Violence Against Women
• posts about difficulties in accessing services faced by teens and seniors.

Stilletos and Self-Defense is a project of Jennifer Cassetta, a survivor of attempted assault and the 9/11 terrorist attacks. She discusses her motivations for the project. From time to time her blog contains various self defense tips including this interesting set of safety tips for actresses: How to Stay Safe at Auditions.

Where’s Your Line is a project of Nancy Schwartzman, a survivor of rape who made a documentary that included her rapists confession that he raped her. The project examines the meaning of consent and advocates to bring the conviction rate for rape in line with the conviction rate for other crimes. In the past month the blog has had posts on:

• French attitudes towards sexual harassment
• rape as a war tactic
• why we need SlutWalk
• GOP attempts to prohibit government funding of abortion in cases of statuatory rape

In addition Where’s Your Line is partnering with Planned Parenthood and the Mount Sinai School of Medicine Sexual Assault and Violence Intervention program to lead a day long seminar on sex, consent, and intimate partner communication.

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If you look at the lyrics, the opening segment is repetition that girls run the world. The first verse talks about women being powerful for buying their own drinks in clubs and how good they are at “this”. At the end of the verse she says, “Boy i’m just playing; Come here baby; Hope you still like me; If you hate me; My persuasion can build a nation; Endless power our love we can devour; You’ll do anything for me” This is said at the end of every verse. So even though the verse itself is speaking positive and powerful things about women, she backtracks, asks for permission and forgiveness from the males.

Throughout the video, the imagery channels the lyrics. When she says “Boy I’m just playing; Come here baby” she gets on her knees and crawls under his legs. Continuously throughout the video she is scantily clad and in provocative positions. She talks about running the world through persuasion while she dances seductively.

This video does not demonstrate the real power of a woman, or really any power at all. It represents women being used as a sex object. It represents women being subservient to men, and using how they are viewed as sex objects to ask for forgiveness for attempting to be powerful and independent.

Rihanna’s video “Only Girl” has the same dynamic, but in a more obvious way. She claims to want the power of being the only girl, but throughout the song and video she defines herself by whether or not she is that only girl and has the love from that man.

True power of a woman comes from things that on a basic level are unrelated to sex appeal. True power of a woman comes from being able to set and keep boundaries. A strong woman sees the opposite sex as an equal, not as a lesser or greater force than herself. She has true conviction in her own thoughts, feelings, emotions, and wisdom. Strong women can be college grads or high school grads. They can have their GED or work at a McDonald’s. They can dance at clubs or dance in ballrooms. What they do for a living or their hobbies do not make or break them as a strong woman. It is their internal convictions and their everyday acts that creates the strength.

In contrast to these, consider a very sexual yet truly empowering female video: Lady Gaga’s “Love Game”.  Lady Gaga does a great job at portraying choice, boundaries, respect, and mutual sexuality. The video is equal when it comes to males and females appearance and actions. Gaga both denies and accepts sexual contact. However, it is said in the lyrics and body language of the song that it is sexual contact for sexual contact, not for manipulative or coercive reasons.

I worry about the women in the music industry making video that portray pseudo-dominant women because whether we like it or not, our female youth watch these video’s and they idolize and look up to these women. I think it is important that in order for real change to happen, it has to happen at all levels, even celebrity status.

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No one wants violence to happen, but how do we get it to stop? How do we stop people inflicting trauma on their fellow human beings? Or is this problem too big? Do we need to just accept that violence happens and focus on picking up the pieces?

There are at least four distinct approaches to reducing or eliminating the impact of violence and human inflicted trauma:

• address the perpetrator: convince the perpetrator not to assault.
• address the victim: give the victim ways to avoid danger.
• address the victim: pick up the pieces after the crime
• address the bystander: empower those who see wrong taking place to make a difference.

There are strong arguments for each approach, but also limitations on the effectiveness of each strategy. In reality we need all four approaches.

Don't be THAT guy

Focusing solely on the would-be assailant cannot be the entire solution to violence. Perpetrators rarely seek out treatment programs on their own. Many attendees need to be forced into treatment by courts. Thus treatment programs only reach the small percentage of offenders who are investigated and successfully prosecuted. Though they may sometimes prevent repeat attacks, they cannot stop the initial pre-capture run of attacks.

Education in some cases might even be counter productive. Although some people are aggressive because society turns the other way, not all are. Some see legal consequences as a challenge rather than a deterrant. Some offenders get emotional satisfaction from their ability to violate rules that the rest of us hold sacred. They may even admire or enjoy cruelty. The Marquis de Sade even argued that cruelty was the higher good “Cruelty is simply the energy in a man civilization has not yet altogether corrupted: therefore it is a virtue not a vice.” (Philosophy in the Bedroom). The more effective we are in saying such-and-such is against our society’s values, the more attractive that crime is.

Focusing on victims is attractive because an assailant can’t commit a crime if he doesn’t have any potential victims in range. Victims are comfortable targets for prevention efforts because activists and victims are on the same team. Would be assailants have to be convinced not to want something they find desirable. Victims don’t want to be victims. Self defense is in a victim’s self interest. Feeling in control reduces anxiety.

But this can’t be the sole prevention tactic either. Perpetrators aren’t just live wires or wet floors that can be avoided with enough care and attention. They are active aggressors looking for targets. Some are impulsive, but others plan carefully. Some will run at the least fight but others will kill at the least sign of resistance. Most importantly, no target, no matter how wiley can escape all hunters. No fighter, no matter how good can win all their fights.

Although the goal may be empowerment and self-defense, focusing on the potential victim can easily move from empowerment to blame. It is all too easy to go from “I can minimize my risk” to “I am responsible for my risk”. By making the victim the center of attention, we may unwittingly imply that the victim is responsible for their own suffering because they didn’t exercise due care, fight hard enough, or fight clever enough. We also place the victim in double jepardy. If she fights too hard and kills or maims her assailant, she may find herself fighting a civil case or even criminal charges of murder or assault.

An alternative victim centric approach to violence is to focus on the aftermath of an attack. If we can’t prevent violence, perhaps we can help people recover and move on after it happens? This is the motivation behind trauma counselling, as well as various victims rights and shelter projects.

Many crimes happen in secluded situations where the only participants are the assailant and the victim. If the perpetrator won’t stop and the victim cannot avoid him or fend him off, then there is little to do but offer compassion in the aftermath.

Speak out; stand up; Stop hate

Finally, a crime does not end with the actual assault. Even if the assault begins and ends in private, the aftermath when a person turns to others for help is sometimes very public, involving friends, community, and law enforcement. Many a victim has sought help after being attacked only to be rebuffed by community that is more concerned about the stain on the attackers reputation than the suffering of the victim, and quicker to blame the victim than to acknowledge that that the attacker made a horrible and self-destructive choice.

Acknowledging the potentially public nature of crime and violence and its aftermath opens up a fourth response to violence and human inflicted trauma: addressing the bystander. Whether a person sees the crime itself, its initial stages or its aftermath, they can play a significant role in reducing the damage caused by a potential attacker.

Some of the things we can do as bystanders in the initial stages of an attack:

• distraction: engaging the would be attacker on an entirely irrelevant matter
• redirection: invite the target to the bathroom or to the bar or to help with a project or any other excuse that lets the potential victim get out of reach of the attacker.
• confrontation: tell the potential attacker that you think their behavior is wrong. This can be done solo or by approaching the would be attacker as a group
• be a role model: model an alternative more positive behavior for peers to follow

If the attack is on-going:

• call for help: the police
• unite with friends to physically intervene

In the aftermath

• Respect the victim’s choices: an assailant takes away choice. You as a bystander can give it back. Offer help but do not impose it.
• Be aware of the resources in your community and provide contact numbers and website addresses.
• Offer to call for help or provide transport
• Listen and just be present. Knowing that another cares can make all the difference.

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Although I like the lyrics of Beyonce’s new song, the visual message and the words are at odds in a way that should give us pause for thought.

The visual message equates power with sexuality over and over again. Even as the words praise college graduates and their power, the visual image is a woman on her knees butt up in the air, sexy but submissive. The lyrics say that we have the power of persuasion, but there are no scenes of women talking, writing, or teaching or any other non-sexual form of persuasion.

Finally, consider the closing image. The closing image is not women in charge but women standing at attention offering a salute to the very riot guard which in an earlier frame had attacked them. The men do not offer a salute back. Rule or submission? Is this song about female empowerment? Or an unintentional satire of common notions of female empowerment?

Nineteen century America denied women the vote, but that didn’t stop William Ross Wallace from bolding proclaiming that “The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world‘. Simply proclaiming that women have power does not make it so. As Malcolm Harris writes in the Huffington Post:

As a volunteer and supporter of the CARE organization that works tirelessly on behalf of empowering women and girls around the globe, I know firsthand these lyrics simply are not based on fact. Without getting on my soap box, it is a fact that if we don’t collectively do more to assist organizations like CARE, these young girls may never have an opportunity to contribute to society, let alone run the world.

Women need more than words and pep talks to have power. Without action the only difference between Beyonce and Wallace is the presumed source of power. Wallace in the 1850′s credited motherhood. Today it is sex.

Throughout history woman’s sexuality has been granted almost magical power even when real women of their time had little control over their fates. Helen of Troy is credited with starting the Trojan war. Christopher Marlowe (1590) called her the “face that launched a thousand ships”. Yet for all her power, women in ancient Greece were kept cloistered and not allowed to go out on their own. Cleopatra’s beauty supposedly kept her in charge of Egypt for many years, but it needs to be remembered that the Roman world of her time required nearly all women to be under the guardianship of a man: her father, husband or sometimes sibling.

Despite claims to the contrary, the alleged power of sexuality is seriously limited. The exercise of power requires the ability to control access to rewards. Sexuality could be powerful, but only in a world where women have full control of how much access is offered and when.

So long as society continues to believe that any woman that uses her sexual power to entice cannot be raped then sexual power is not true power.  Sexual power cannot control its rewards because society assumes any attempt to create power through sexual interest or limited access is also an open invitation to take it all.

Until we can successfully prosecute the man who rapes a woman in a sexy dress who is belly dancing on the bar half drunk or the boardroom exec wearing a stylish dress with a V-neck practically down to her belly button, sexual power is not going to make women rule the world or even give them equal footing.   It simply makes them loose the right to set any boundaries at all.

When women are regularly tarred and feathered in the media for having dared called rape on a powerful sports hero or banker, it is obvious where the real power lies and it isn’t with the women as women.   From Roman Polanski to Strauss-Kahn even a hint of a woman’s sex appeal makes her into someone that “wanted it” rather than someone from whom it was taken.    Perhaps it would be different if the woman were also a famous director or banker?  One would hope, but we can say for certain that simply being sexy isn’t outranking money or fame any time soon.   Where we place blame in “my word against yours” situations tells us a lot about our real perceptions of power.

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